


Boyfriend X

by wheresmywatson



Category: Original Work
Genre: Bad Relationship, Bad break-up, College, Course Language, Depression, First Person, Gay Sex, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Rebound, Scars, Sharing an apartment, past blood-play
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-02-18 18:03:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2357186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheresmywatson/pseuds/wheresmywatson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan's life is a mess of gay friends, straight friends, a new job and a new apartment. All he wants is to get a stable new boyfriend and finish the book he's been trying to get through since the beginning of the year.</p><p>But he's also got a secret. And secrets always come out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is new, and it is my baby. I'm really excited about the things which are going to happen and how it's all going to play out, so I hope you come with me for the ride!
> 
> I am going to keep adding tags as they become relevant or as I think of them, so please keep an eye out in case something comes up which you don't like. And if you read something that you think should be put as a tag, let me know!
> 
> *Secret Side Note: Most of the tags I've added at the beginning are actually things which won't be brought in until many chapters later.

 

I reach my new apartment first. An old friend of mine, Rebecca, is meant to be meeting me here but since she hasn't arrived yet I head straight up the stairs and unlock the door. I'm to be sharing with another guy, Ian something, who I haven't met yet and doesn't seem to be around.

I shut the door behind me but leave it unlocked as I walk in and start exploring. There are boxes here and there so it looks like Ian hasn't finished unpacking his things, but the place is surprisingly larger than I imagined so I can tell we won't have any problem with space.

There's an open kitchen to my right and a living area stretching out on my left. Straight ahead is a hallway leading to what I assume are the bedrooms and bathroom, soon confirmed as I poke my head in each door I come across. Thankfully I don't accidentally walk in on Ian anywhere, but I can tell that he's claimed the first bedroom because there are some clothes on the bed and a bag against one wall.

When I return to the living room, I've only just had time to sit on Ian's couch when the door opens and I look up to see Rebecca.

She looks different to how I remember her. Her brown hair is longer now and she's tied it into a braid curling over one shoulder, and instead of wearing her usual ensemble of jeans and a hoodie she's wearing denim shorts and a smart blouse tucked in at the front.

I glance down at myself in old jeans and a hoodie and begin to worry that this was a mistake. We haven't spoken in more than three years and it's obvious she's changed a lot. I worry that we won't have anything in common anymore and that I'll be stuck friendless forever.

"Is this your stuff?" Rebecca asks, gesturing to one of Ian's boxes.

"No," I reply, standing up. "I left mine in the car." My dad let me borrow his car this morning and I was able to fit all my things in the back. I don't own that much, so I've only got three boxes. "I'll go get it."

Rebecca steps away from the door so that I can move past her and then silently follows me. I wonder if I should try to make conversation but can't think of a single thing to say. When we reach the car I grab two of the boxes and Rebecca takes the last one, closing the car door for me with a smooth bump of her hip.

Back up in the apartment, I head straight for the spare room which is to be mine and dump the boxes onto the bed.

"What do you want me to do?" Rebecca asks as she places the third box on the desk.

I look around to see what we have to work with. The desk has a couple of drawers on one side and there's a built-in closet on the other side of the room. Other than that, the only thing in here is a bed but it suits me fine.

"Clothes are in this box," I say, indicating one of the boxes I had carried. "But I can put them away in the closet myself. Do you wanna set up my laptop and speakers?" I grab the second box I had carried and move it onto the desk next to the other one.

Rebecca quickly sets to work opening it up and pulling it all out, but she has to transfer the third box onto the floor so that she's got room to move. I've started shoving my jeans into the closet when she asks, "Where do you want all your CDs?"

"Top drawer will do," I say with a quick glance over my shoulder. "Actually, make it bottom."

"Why do you still have Hilary Duff?" Rebecca suddenly asks, her lips quirking up in a grin.

"Because she's _amazing_ ," I say immediately.

"It's her first album," Rebecca says, as if that's going to make me rethink my answer. I turn to her and raise my eyebrows. "Okay! Sorry, I didn't think you'd still be into it."

"That just goes to show you have a lot to learn about me," I tell her.

We go silent for a few minutes and I get the rest of my clothes away. Rebecca's finished putting the CDs in the drawer and has now crawled under the desk, presumably to find a power outlet for my laptop charger and speakers.

"Nice ass," I tease, as it's all I can see.

She snorts. "Yeah, it's probably the only part of me you find attractive."

I can't argue with that.

"Okay," she says finally, crawling back out and smiling triumphantly. "All plugged in and ready for use."

The look on her face right now transports me back in time to when we used to be close. I can feel a warmth in my chest and I know I can't let go of her ever again. It doesn't even feel awkward or strained anymore. We're definitely not actively trying to please each other. We just... are.

A door creaks and I step into the hall to see a guy closing the front door behind him. My first thought is that he's lost, because there's no way I'm lucky enough to end up sharing an apartment with someone so hot, but then I think it _must_ be Ian, because no one else would come inside. He sees me and looks confused for a second before mouthing "oh" and smiling.

"Ryan?" he asks, walking over. I hear Rebecca step up behind me.

"Yeah, and you must be Ian," I say, reaching out a hand for him to shake. He does. "This is Rebecca," I explain with a small jerk of my head to where I can sense she's standing.

"Your girlfriend?" he asks, nodding at her politely.

"No!"

We both say it at the same time and Ian looks amused.

"I'm just helping with his stuff," Rebecca explains. "Besides, he doesn't like tits."

I'm beginning to wonder whether her outfit is an act, because she's behaving exactly the way she would have when I knew her last. It doesn't match the way she looks, which is like some hipster you'd find in Starbucks every hour of the day – then again, I don't personally know any hipsters. Maybe they're all like her and it's me that's wrong.

"You're gay?" Ian asks.

"A bit," I reply. Then amend, "Yeah. I'm gay."

"He's not going to jump you in your sleep, if you're worried," Rebecca pipes up. I'm not so fond of her anymore.

"It's okay, I'm not worried," Ian says with a small shake of his head. He has rich brown eyes the same colour as his hair and they remind me of chocolate.

I give a forced laugh and a quick glare to Rebecca.

"I hope the empty room was for me because I've put all my things in there now," I say to change the subject.

"Yeah, of course. You don't mind that I picked a room first, do you?" Ian runs a hand through his hair, looking nervous.

"It's just a room," I say.

"I know. But some people are really picky."

I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. "Not me. As long as I've got somewhere to sleep I don't care."

Ian grins. "Well, let me know if you need any help unpacking or whatever."

"You haven't even finished _your_ unpacking," I point out, looking around him at the pile of boxes which are still taped up. "I've only got one box left. You'll be asking _me_ for help at this rate."

"Ah, sorry," Ian says with a chuckle as he avoids my gaze. "I'm a bit of a procrastinator. I got the keys last week."

He's had a week to unpack?

"Don't you dare start judging him," Rebecca hisses in my ear.

"I'm not!" I hiss back. "I'm a procrastinator too, sometimes. Everyone is." Turning back to Ian, who quickly looks away from me when I meet his gaze, I say, "It's fine. I think we've already established I'm not fussy."

"How about when it comes to allocating jobs around this place?" Ian asks.

"You mean who does the dishes?"

Ian shrugs and folds his arms. He looks really uncomfortable, still avoiding my gaze, and I wonder whether the fact that I'm gay actually _is_ bothering him.

"I'm not fussy unless you make me do everything," I say, trying to amuse him. He gives a small smile before half turning away.

"I only stopped by to grab something," he explains. "But it was nice meeting you, Ryan, and Rebecca." He disappears into his room and comes back out with something clutched in his hand. Before I can see what it is, he's over at the door and escaping. His quick movements make it look like an escape, at least.

"He's nice," Rebecca says as I turn and go back into my room.

"Was he acting weirdly or was it just me?" I mutter, grabbing the last box to be unpacked from the floor and lifting it onto the bed. I pull open the flaps and start sorting through the bits and pieces.

Rebecca hums thoughtfully before coming closer to look over my shoulder. "Sorry for outing you like that."

"It's fine," I tell her, dropping my toothbrush, toothpaste and deodorant onto the bed next to a couple of books I'd already pulled out.

"Still," Rebecca continues. "Not such a smart move on my part. Hey, what's this?"

Her arm reaches in front of me and she plucks a CD from the box, turning it over and starting to read the messily scrawled track listing.

"It's just a mix CD," I tell her, snatching it back and letting my eyes run down the track listing briefly as well before shoving it under the pillow on the bed so that it's out of sight. "I'm gonna throw it out, anyway."

"Then why did you pack it?" Rebecca asks softly.

I don't reply, but go back to pulling things from the box. Rebecca lets the subject go and starts grabbing some of the things that I'm just dumping on the bed, carrying them over to the top drawer of my desk. I don't tell her to stop because it's where I wanted them put anyway.

The unpacking is finished in a couple of minutes and I return to my room from taking my toothpaste and other toiletries to the bathroom. The comfortable silence from before has turned into an awkward one, so I pick up a box and throw it at Rebecca. It's the only way I know of to make things normal again.

"You didn't!" Rebecca mock gasps. With the box in her hands she charges at me and I dodge her, laughing as she crashes into the doors of the closet.

"I'll do it again, too," I say, quickly grabbing one of the other boxes and holding it in front of me as some sort of shield.

This time we charge each other and connect in the middle, the boxes crumpling due to the impact and our bodies falling to one side. We land on the bed and Rebecca somehow wrestles her box onto my face. She's stronger than I imagined so I abandon my box and opt for tickling instead. Instantly she shrieks and jerks away from me, and we're both laughing our heads off.

From where she now sits on the floor, her back against the bed and the dilapidated box still in her hands, she looks up at me with a smile. "I missed you, asshole."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for reading! Please leave me a comment, whether you thought it was good or bad or needed some improving. I love comments!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In regards to the previous chapter, I would like to add that I do not have a problem with Hilary Duff. In fact, I love her music. So don't get me wrong on that.

Rebecca and I are trying to work out what to do for dinner when the door opens and Ian comes in. We're sitting in the living room, Rebecca's legs stretched across my lap and my laptop balancing precariously on her knees. I'm looking up what restaurants are closest to the apartment.

Ian sees us and gives us a nod of acknowledgement before heading to his room. I look at Rebecca and she's staring back at me. I raise my eyebrows. She rolls her eyes.

"Focus," she says, jerking one knee slightly so I have to grab hold of my laptop to ensure it doesn't go flying. "What about the Mexican place? I feel like tacos."

"Do you think he's homophobic?" I ask as I switch back to the tab I have open of the Mexican restaurant.

Rebecca swats me with her hand. "I think he can probably hear you!" she hisses, and I instantly look over to check if he's watching us around the corner. He's not, but if he's in his room Rebecca is probably right since it's just on the other side of the wall where we're sitting.

"Good," I say, deciding not to worry if he knows what I think. If he hears me saying things about him that are false, he can come and set me straight. So to speak. "If not homophobic, he's at least uncomfortable with me."

" _I'm_ uncomfortable with you," Rebecca groans, letting her head fall back so it's hanging over the armrest.

"I think it's probably the couch, actually," I tease her.

"Shut up. I'm hungry. Pick somewhere and let's go."

"Mexican, then," I shrug. Rebecca practically leaps to her feet. "Whoa!" I only just save my laptop from destruction, pulling it onto my lap with the two fingers that caught it.

"Let's go!"

Rebecca acts like my laptop hadn't been on the brink of dying a second ago and disappears down the hall. I'm about to yell that the door is the other way when I hear her speaking again.

"Hey Ian, do you like Mexican? Ryan and I are gonna go get something to eat and I was wondering if you wanted to come."

I slam my laptop shut and push it onto the couch beside me. Then I'm up and hurrying to join Rebecca in Ian's doorway.

"Sure, as long as it-"

"You don't _have_ to," I interrupt, feeling stupid as soon as the words leave my mouth. Ian's eyes move to me instead of Rebecca and he frowns thoughtfully. "I just mean, no pressure."

Rebecca elbows me in the stomach, surely just trying to get me to shut up and stop making a fool of myself, but I flinch backwards so violently that she turns around completely to see what's wrong. I'm covering my stomach with both my hands and my lips are parted as I search for something to say to smooth the situation over. I don't want either of them to worry.

"Ryan?" Rebecca asks softly, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Shit, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot!"

"Is he okay?" Ian asks. I only just notice he's now standing up and he's moved closer.

"He... had an accident," Rebecca says carefully, watching me to give me the chance to tell her to stop talking if I want to. "He's been in hospital recently. I really am sorry, Ry."

Hospital recently. She says it like I should still have bandages underneath my clothing, but the truth is that my wound actually healed a long time ago. Just over a year ago to be exact. I've got a hell of a scar now but she hasn't seen it and I don't plan on showing anyone if I don't have to.

"I'm fine," I say finally, letting my hands drop to my sides. "Just a bit tender at times." It's not exactly a lie, I just can't tell if the tenderness is in my head or not.

"What happened?" Ian asks. He must think it's such an innocent question. I look at him and see the concern on his face.

"Doesn't matter." I shrug. To get things back to normal I ask, "So, do you like Mexican or not?"

"I do," he replies, turning to grab his wallet from his desk. "And I'd love to come."

Rebecca looks smug but shoots me a questioning look to make sure I'm okay. I nod and she squeezes my shoulder gently before gesturing for Ian to follow as she walks to the front door.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Ian asks quietly as we both follow Rebecca. I'm surprised by how sincere he sounds, like he actually cares about me even though we've only just met. I look into his brown eyes, once more reminding me of chocolate, and nod.

"It was more a surprise than anything else. It didn't hurt."

He looks relieved and slips out the door, leaving it to me to lock up. I quickly do so and then jog down the stairs after him.

Rebecca is standing outside on the sidewalk, pulling on a pink sweater with so many holes in it I'm not sure what the purpose is. Warmth? Fashion? Either way, she looks ridiculous. I don't remember seeing it with her when she was inside so I assume she's gotten it out of her car. Or maybe she picked it up out of the gutter.

"You look like a flamingo," I say when I reach her.

"Your ass is a flamingo," she retorts without missing a beat. Then she turns to Ian. "It's not far so we're just going to walk. You don't mind?"

"No, it's fine," Ian says. He's smiling and when I raise my eyebrows he shakes his head slightly. I glance meaningfully at Rebecca's pink sweater and lift one shoulder in question, pleased when he then lets out a quiet snort in amusement and looks away from me.

"Are you two picking on my outfit?" Rebecca snaps, her hands on her hips.

"No," I lie. "Why aren't we walking? I thought you were starving."

Rebecca pulls at her braid and then sets off without us. The sky is darkening and Ian and I fall into step together as we trail behind. We don't say anything for a while and I'm beginning to think this could be the start of another friendship – all good friendships should be capable of comfortable silence – when he speeds up and walks beside Rebecca.

I tell myself he probably just wants to ask her something, but not even the best reason could stop me from feeling slightly hurt. I've been abandoned at the back while the possibly-homophobic guy talks with the straight girl. I make a face when an image of them kissing pops into my head. It would be exactly my kind of luck if they got together and I had to put up with them being couple-y.

Some soft, indiscernible words reach my ears and, curiosity getting the best of me, I quicken my steps just enough so that I can hear what they're saying without being noticed.

I only catch the end of what Ian says. "… each other?"

"Years," Rebecca replies immediately. "Although... well. Today is actually the first time we've spoken in two and a half years."

"What the hell happened?" Ian asks in surprise.

"It's a long story." I hear Rebecca sigh and she drags one of her feet for a step.

"If you haven't spoken in so long then how did you know he'd been in hospital recently? Did he tell you today?"

"No, his parents called me. They were really worried, I mean, obviously. But they wanted to make sure someone would be around when he got out."

There's a lull in the conversation as neither of them adds anything else for a few moments. I realise I've been holding my breath and force myself to breathe again.

"What about you?" Rebecca turns to face Ian with an interested smile. "Are you homophobic?"

"What the _fuck_?" I say out loud.

Laughing, Rebecca spins around to face me and grabs my shoulders so I have to stop walking. "I knew you were listening!"

"You shouldn't have been gossiping about me," I tell her with a frown. I'm upset at being found out and upset with myself for interrupting them so that Ian didn't have a chance to defend himself or admit to the accusation.

"He's your new housemate," Rebecca says, moving to link arms with me so we can continue walking. "He would have found out eventually."

"Speaking of." I look over at Ian and catch him watching me, but he turns his head quickly to face the other way. "Are you actually homophobic? You seem alright, but I can't see how we'll get on in the long run if you have a problem with me."

"I'm not," he says, then points ahead. "That's the place we're going to, right?"

"Mexican food!" Rebecca says excitedly. "I'm so hungry I could eat three meals. Ha. Guess you two won't be eating tonight!"

I want to ask Ian more questions and find out why he won't look at me for long, but Rebecca is hurrying me forward and before I know it we're inside. I'm dragged over to a table and shoved into a seat, a menu placed in my hands. Rebecca sits beside me and then Ian sits across from us.

"I know what I'm getting," Rebecca says after only a few seconds. She can't have read the menu at all.

"Let me guess," I say slowly. "A taco?"

"The Taco Tower," she says happily, pointing to the option on my menu. "It's huge. Do you wanna share?"

"Um, sure."

"Do you know what you want, Ian?"

Ian looks up from where he's been reading his own copy of the menu and nods. "Yeah. Do you want me to go order?"

"Yes please!" Rebecca smiles sweetly at him and he leaves the table. As soon as he's far enough away, she leans close to me and whispers, "I think he likes you, Ry."

"Yeah, right," I scoff. As if the really hot guy with chocolate eyes likes me. He can't even look at me for extended periods of time. He's probably 100% straight with absolutely no homosexual inclinations.

"Are you really that blind?" Rebecca asks seriously. "He gets nervous around you! Clearly he's attracted to you."

"I thought he was just nervous in general," I say. Then again, maybe it is just me. He didn't seem to have a problem with talking to Rebecca on our way over here, but he hasn't had a long conversation with me. "Even if you're right, that doesn't necessarily mean he likes me."

Rebecca is silent for a moment, then asks, "You like _him_ though, right?"

"Oh, fuck off. Why does it matter? We're sharing an apartment. That's the biggest cliché in the world and it would only make things awkward."

"So you _do_ like him!"

I groan and almost slam my head down on the table. I can't believe we're having this conversation. I can't believe I'd forgotten how annoying she could be sometimes.

"Alright, I'll stop talking about Ian," she concedes. "Maybe you'll meet someone at college."

"Have you?" I ask her, hoping she'll start gushing about someone she's got her eye on so that the attention will be off me finally.

"Not yet," she says with a shrug. "Most of the college boys are too immature and smelly to even consider."

I screw up my nose in disgust. I'm not saying I'm the most hygienic guy, because I'm not, but some guys take it to the extreme. I can't understand how they hope to ever find someone willing to put up with their body odour.

"Maybe we'll both just be single forever," I say with a melodramatic sigh.

"No way, we're too good-looking for that." Rebecca winks at me and I grin.

"Too good-looking for what?" Ian asks as he rejoins our table. I hadn't noticed him coming back over and give a small jump of surprise.

"To be single forever," Rebecca explains. "Ry and I both want a boyfriend."

"I'm sure you'll meet the right people eventually," Ian says encouragingly.

I stare at him, trying to work out whether he's interested in me or not, and finally his gaze flickers up to meet mine. He swallows and clenches his jaw briefly but doesn't look away this time. I feel like we're in a silent staring contest.

"Do you two want some privacy?" Rebecca asks teasingly.

Ian glances at her and swallows again, shaking his head.

"Are you gay?" I ask him. I don't know where I got the courage but it's too late to take it back now and I'm far too interested in the answer anyway.

He looks like he's just swallowed something sharp.

"Me?"

"No, the waiter. Yes, you."

"No. I'm not gay."

I'm strangely disappointed. I see Rebecca turn her head towards me but ignore her, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. I was right. She was wrong. Whatever.

"I have a girlfriend," Ian says. "I thought you knew. That's how I found you to share the apartment with."

"What are you talking about?" I ask him. I don't have any other friends and he's certainly not Rebecca's boyfriend, so who does he know that I apparently know as well?

"Jasmine. Your last name is Nolan, isn't it?"

Jasmine, as in my cousin Jasmine? She's Ian's girlfriend? Ian is her boyfriend? That is so unfair I can't speak for a moment.

"Yes," Rebecca says for me. "His last name is Nolan. I guess no one told him what the connection was between you."

I'm trying to remember everything I know about Jasmine. She's my uncle's daughter on my dad's side. She's a year older than me, so twenty this year. She has the same colour eyes as me, a light honey-brown colour, although her hair is a light brown to my almost-black hair. I have a vague memory of someone commenting that our faces look quite similar, really showing our family resemblance.

All this knowledge just makes me feel worse. I'm still staring at Ian, but now I'm just thinking that I must be cursed. Why does this gorgeous creature have to be straight? I'm the male version of Jasmine! If he was gay he'd be into me. Damn. Damn it all. And now I have to continue sharing an apartment with him knowing all this and constantly feeling sexually frustrated.

Before I make a fool of myself by saying any of this aloud, our food arrives. I'm momentarily distracted by the fact that the Taco Tower actually is _huge_ , but then I look back at Ian.

"I can't believe no one told me you're Jasmine's boyfriend."

Rebecca has grabbed a taco off the top and begun to make a mess as she tries to eat it. I'm still staring at Ian. Ian is avoiding my gaze and trying to wipe the palms of his hands on his pants in a subtle manner.

Realising that I'm probably the only one who actually cares that Ian and Jasmine are dating, I sigh and turn to the Taco Tower to get myself a taco as well. I catch Rebecca's eye and she shrugs her shoulders a tiny bit, mouthing 'sorry'. She must be apologising for getting my hopes up about him liking me.

Shrugged shoulders. I adopt the movement myself and decide it's a much better way to look at the situation. Shrug. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it. I'll start college next week and probably find someone way better looking.


	3. Chapter 3

Rebecca gets straight in her car after dinner to drive herself home, promising she'll pick me up on Monday since I'm going to the same college as her. Ian and I walk up the stairs to our apartment in silence, each of us presumably caught up in our own thoughts. I'm thinking about college and what it'll be like. I haven't been in that kind of learning environment for a very long time.

Ian unlocks the door and goes in quickly, almost at his room when I close the door behind me.

"Wait!" I call out. He pauses and looks over his shoulder. "Are you sure you don't have a problem with me being gay?" I don't know why I'm still stuck on this, but his behaviour around me makes no sense and I just want answers.

Ian runs a hand through his hair and takes a few slow steps back towards me. "It's not that..." He stops and frowns, searching for the right words. After a moment he looks like he's found what he was after. "I don't have a problem with you being gay, no. But I... it's weird. You look like Jasmine, you know?"

Oh. This is about me looking like Jasmine? I can't quite tell if I'm relieved or worried that he's also noticed the similarity.

"At least you knew who I was," I say to him.

He chuckles and nods. "It would have been a lot freakier if I didn't. Random guy shows up who looks like my girlfriend?"

I laugh and walk over. "Well, I'm glad it's the only issue."

"Yeah," he agrees. I'm about to move past him so I can get some sleep when he opens his mouth, hesitates, and then shuts it again. I wait... and sure enough he changes his mind again and this time does speak. "What actually happened with you and Rebecca? I mean, you two act like you've known each other your whole lives but apparently you've only just become friends again?"

I want to make up an excuse about being too tired to talk about it right now, but I don't want to start lying to him already. Anyway, I can't avoid talking about it for the rest of my life. I compromise and decide to tell him part of the truth.

"We had a fight. I was an asshole to her."

"So you didn't speak to each other for two _years_?" Ian gapes.

"There's more to it than that, obviously. I just... Look, it wasn't just her. I didn't talk to _anyone_." A tiny lie, but it doesn't matter much.

"But you're so..." Ian trails off, staring at me in confusion.

"What?" I ask him curiously.

He shrugs and avoids my gaze again. "I don't know. You just seem so friendly."

Friendly.

I don't say anything for a few moments as it sinks in. He thinks I'm friendly. I haven't had any friends for maybe three years but I'm somehow still friendly? That's... really good. I feel proud of myself.

"It's good that we get along," I say finally. "I like you a lot."

Ian raises an eyebrow at me and clears his throat. "You like me?"

"Not- Not like that!" I stumble over the words, knowing them for the lie they are. But I can't admit that I _do_ like him like that, because it's bad enough he knows I'm gay. If he thinks I'm into him he'll probably avoid me completely.

"Of course not," Ian murmurs.

"I just meant you're a good friend," I explain.

"Maybe you should get some sleep," Ian suggests gently, a hint of a smile on his face.

Sleep actually sounds like a really good idea, so I nod and let the conversation die, heading to my room. I shut the door firmly and shake my head, reliving the conversation in my mind and coming up with a million different ways I could have worded things so they didn't sound so bad.

After a while, I change into my boxers and tumble into bed.

* * *

 

A loud buzzing interrupts a dream where I had been turned into a taco, and I barely open my eyes before fumbling for my phone to turn off my alarm. Then I lie there for a moment, breathing heavily and wishing I could stay asleep.

But it's a curse of mine, unfortunately. Once I'm awake, I can't go back to sleep.

I get out of bed and scratch the back of my head, yawning widely. First night in my new place went well, which is promising. I look down at my phone and see that some time last night my dad sent me a message to check I was settling in well. I quickly type back to him that I'm fine.

Pulling on my clothes from yesterday I wander out to the kitchen. I can hear running water from the bathroom so I assume Ian is having a shower. He must have work today, unless he usually gets up early like me.

After some quick rummaging, I find some bread and put it in the toaster as my breakfast. None of this is technically mine, but I don't think Ian will mind me eating some of his food. I'll be starting my new job next weekend so I'll have some money to go towards groceries and things, and my parents said they'd be happy to make up the difference while I'm still at college.

I fetch my laptop and bring it out to the table, thinking now is as good a time as any to start setting up my Facebook account. With a bite of my toast, I tap away at the keys and start entering in information.

I've been eating and typing for ten minutes when I hear footsteps and look up to see Ian coming down the hall drying his hair with a towel. He's got another towel around his waist, but other than that... nothing. He's naked.

I clear my throat.

Ian's head snaps up instantly and he pulls the towel back from his eyes so he can see me. We stare at each other and then I let my gaze flicker down briefly. I didn't mean to, but it happened and now I can't take it back. Ian's face is red, but I don't know if that's a recent development or if it's been red ever since he came out of the shower. I think it's recent since the rest of his body isn't such a flushed colour.

The rest of his body. Yeah, damn. I looked again.

"Sorry," Ian mumbles, turning and disappearing into his room.

I close my eyes and think about my parents. And their parents. And I think of Rebecca and how annoying she is, and the weird pink sweater she wore last night. Please, anything to stop me feeling so horny. It's only the second day. If I can't even make it two days how am I going to make it a year?

When I finally have myself under control I turn back to my laptop and stare at the profile I've set up. I don't have any pictures added and there's hardly any actual information about me listed, but it'll do.

I find myself wondering if Ian has a Facebook account and whether he'll add me as a 'friend'. If he does I'll be able to see what pictures he's got and find out more about the things he likes.

No. Bad Ryan. I shouldn't be thinking like this, I should be concentrating on other things like how I'm starting college in two days and then my new job on Saturday. Ian is just the person helping me pay for this apartment. And the boyfriend of my cousin.

As if specifically to make me slip up, Ian emerges from his room again. I look up at him and see that he's wearing a pair of jeans and a white shirt. It's like he's not even trying at all. As I stare, he glances down at himself and runs a hand down his chest self-consciously.

"Morning," I say, trying to keep up my friendly reputation.

"Morning," Ian replies, walking over to get some cereal from the cupboard.

Forcing myself to stop watching him because I don't want to freak him out, I stare at the screen of my laptop and try to think of something else to do. I guess I could set up some more accounts on different websites, but I don't know which ones to choose. Maybe I should start searching for friends to add instead, although at the moment it would probably all just be family members aside from Rebecca.

"Sorry about earlier," Ian says, and I notice he's staring at me with a nervous expression, the box of cereal in one hand and a bowl in the other. "I forgot you were here."

He must be talking about the towel incident. I take a deep breath and smile.

"It's fine, easy mistake to make."

He nods and takes a seat at the other side of the table. Then he nods towards my laptop and asks, "So what are you doing?"

"Oh, I just set up my Facebook account," I tell him.

"Serious? You're only just joining Facebook?"

I've found myself in uncomfortable territory already and watch silently as Ian adds milk to his bowl before eating a spoonful. "It's not the first time," I say. "I deleted my old account."

"How come?" he asks.

"Too much shit," I say truthfully. "I did things and knew people that I wanted to forget. It's easier to start over from scratch."

Ian nods slowly, absent-mindedly stirring his spoon through his cereal as he watches me.

"Does it have anything to do with what happened between you and Rebecca?" he asks.

Sighing heavily, I close my laptop lid and stand up. "I don't really want to talk about it. It was ages ago and I've moved on. You get that, right?"

"Yeah, of course, sorry." He looks down at his bowl. "I didn't mean to pry."

I instantly regret making him apologise, but I don't want to sit back down and pretend everything is okay. I need to get out for a bit.

"I'm going for a walk," I say.

He doesn't reply so I take my laptop to my room silently and pull on my shoes in preparation to go outside. I consider calling Rebecca and seeing whether she's free today, but I don't want to suddenly become dependent on her now that we're friends again. I need to learn how to be on my own.

I'm about to leave my room when I realise I've forgotten something and curse under my breath, heading to the bathroom. I kick the door shut behind me, slightly paranoid that Ian will look down the hall and see what I'm doing. It's a ridiculous thought. Like so many things in my life I'm trying to hide, this is just another that he'll eventually find out anyway.

I open the cupboard beneath the sink and bend down to find where I hid the small pill bottle behind some extra bottles of shampoo and conditioner. A terrible hiding place, but the best I could come up with yesterday.

Unscrewing the lid, I tip one capsule into my hand and then tuck the bottle back into its spot. I swallow the pill with a handful of water and make a face because it feels funny in my throat. I'm hoping the uncomfortable feeling will go away when I've had to do it a few more times.

Wiping my hands on my pants, I straighten and find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. I glance to the left automatically but there's no one standing next to me. My stomach lurches.

Fuck.

I thought I was doing alright until now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a bit carried away with this chapter. It's longer and juicier than I planned. Enjoy ;)

By the time Monday rolls around, I've explored so much of the nearby streets and stores that I could probably walk it in my sleep. I spent the weekend unintentionally avoiding Ian – something I only realised I was doing when he had to come to my room to talk to me about money and which chores we'd do when – so I force myself to stay put when I hear him coming to eat breakfast this morning.

"First day of college, huh?" he asks me as we sit across from each other at the table.

"Yeah, Rebecca should be here soon to pick me up," I reply. Suddenly curious, I ask, "Do you go to college? Or do you have a full-time job already?"

"Still at college," he tells me. "But I only have to go in this afternoon. Otherwise I would've offered to give you a ride."

"What are you studying?" I ask.

"I want to be a doctor," Ian says. A small smile has appeared on his face and it's obvious this is something he's passionate about, so I smile back at him as well. "It's going to take a while, but I think it'll be worth it."

"Of course it will! Think of the money you'll earn, too!" I say.

He laughs. "It'll be years before I reach a position which earns an amount _you're_ probably thinking of."

"Years isn't never," I point out.

"Then I'll be sure to let you know when I get there," he jokes. "And what about you?"

I shrug my shoulders, feeling a bit embarrassed now that I'm compared to someone who wants to be a doctor, before saying, "I want to get into the music industry somehow. It might take as long as you becoming a doctor for all I know, but... I don't know. Worth a try?"

"Do you play an instrument?" Ian asks, sounding genuinely interested. "Or do you sing?"

"Uh, I used to play some piano when I was younger. Never really got far with it. After I've settled in at college I'm hoping I might have enough money for some lessons on the side."

Ian doesn't say anything for a moment, looking stunned. "I play piano!" he says finally, another grin on his face.

"Really?" I ask, surprised. "For how long?"

"Fifteen years," he replies. "My parents suggested it when I was young and it wasn't horrible."

"Too bad there's no piano here," I say.

"Yeah, I couldn't fit it through the door."

We laugh and I feel more comfortable around him, like the awkwardness has finally dispersed. He's fun to be around, honestly, and since the first time I saw him almost-naked it hasn't happened again. I have to say that makes things much easier on me, not having to worry about getting an erection while eating breakfast.

Rebecca knocks on the door when I've finished breakfast and I jump up to go grab my bag.

"Hey," Ian says, letting her inside.

"What's poppin'?"

I smile to myself as I hear Rebecca's familiar morning-greeting. It's been so long since I last heard it and I missed it, but I understand why she didn't use it when we first saw each other again on Friday as neither of us were very comfortable yet.

I don't hear Ian's reply as I walk out with my things, ready to go. Rebecca is dressed in something that looks vaguely hipster again, her hair thrown into a messy but fashionable bun.

"Ry!" Rebecca greets as she turns to me with a large grin. Her gaze slides down me and her smile fades. "You're wearing that?"

I glance down at myself. My usual jeans and a hoodie – but it's a different hoodie today. What's wrong with that? It's just college. I'm comfortable.

"Yeah."

"He looks fine," Ian says.

Rebecca looks at Ian and then back at me.

"You do look fine," she assures me. "I was being stupid. Come on."

I don't really care what Rebecca thinks about how I look, because I'm not trying to attract people like her anyway. As I follow her outside, it's Ian's comment which sticks with me. He thinks I look fine.

I hit my head on the rim of the car as I get in the passenger side. I wasn't paying attention and now I slump down, cradling my forehead with one hand.

"Are you really that nervous?" Rebecca asks as she gets in the driver's seat and starts the car.

"Hit my head," I mumble.

"Oh, damn." She pulls out from the curb and we're on our way. "Could be worse, though."

I shake my head silently. Right. Like I should count myself lucky it's _only_ a headache.

It doesn't take long for us to reach the college, but finding a parking spot proves more difficult and possibly life threatening. At least three people cut in front of Rebecca as she's trying to park, and when we finally do secure ourselves a free space, it's further away than we would have liked.

Before I can get out, Rebecca shoves something into my hands.

"Here's a map of all the buildings and rooms, with lists on the back to help. It'll make your day go a lot quicker if you have some way of finding your way around."

"I could have asked someone for a map myself, you know," I tell her, but secretly I'm grateful.

"I just wanted to make sure you'd be okay," Rebecca says with a sigh. "You will be okay, won't you?"

"Of course I will." I frown.

"Ryan," she says seriously, putting a hand on my arm and waiting for me to face her. "I am your friend. I'm here for you. Do you know what that means?"

A few moments of silence pass before I say, "If I ever go to prison you'll bail me out."

Rebecca groans and flicks the side of my head, but she's smiling as she opens her door to get out. "Get lost, asshole."

I was almost feeling guilty for trying to crack a joke in that serious moment, but seeing that Rebecca found it amusing makes me feel better. Holding the map in one hand and shouldering my bag with the other, I get out of the car. I'm surrounded by scattered people as they make their way to their classes.

"What time do your classes finish?" I call over to Rebecca.

"Midday, but I'll hang around and get some work done until you're ready to go. Just text me."

Nodding to say I heard, I set off to find my first class of the day, twisting the map around as I walk.

I reach the closest building before I've found the classroom I need. The map Rebecca has given me is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be and I'm reading through the lists on the back in the hope that I'll find what I'm looking for quicker.

As soon as I take a step into the building, someone crashes into my shoulder and the force sends me stumbling backwards, the map falling from my hands as I try to steady myself. A pair of hands come up to grab my shoulders and I find myself staring at a guy with straight black hair and thick black eyeliner.

"Sorry! I wasn't looking," he says, letting go of my shoulders and bending down to pick up the map I dropped. He offers it to me and I take it.

"It's okay." I shrug. "I wasn't watching where I was going either."

Instead of reacting in any way that would seem normal, the stranger stares at me in confusion for an uncomfortable amount of time before asking, "Are you gay?"

Do I have it tattooed on my face? How the hell does he know?

I ask him. "How the hell did you know?"

"Oh, I didn't," he laughs. "I just live and breathe optimism. I'm gay too." He holds out a hand for me to shake and introduces himself. "My name's Alex."

"I'm Ryan," I say as I take his hand.

"Pleasure to meet you, Ryan. This your first year?"

He still hasn't let go of my hand and I'm painfully aware that my palm is sweating. I don't know what to do.

"Yeah, it is," I say. Uncomfortable, I tug my hand gently out of his grip. His hand swings loose and he shoves it in his pocket.

"Need any help finding your way around?" he asks.

I worry briefly that I shouldn't be trusting someone I only just met because, for all I know, he might lead me in the opposite direction just for laughs. But he seems friendly enough so I give in and nod my head.

"I'd really appreciate some help, actually," I say. "I'm trying to find Studio 3."

"Ah, a fellow music student!" Alex says with a grin. "I know exactly where it is, follow me."

Alex leaves the building and leads me in the direction of another one. Walking beside him, I wonder about his choice of appearance and whether he identifies with the term 'emo'. He doesn't look completely like an emo, I mean he's not wearing all black, but he definitely does have an element of it going on.

As I'm looking at him, I notice a couple of drum sticks sticking out of his back pocket.

"You play the drums?" I ask.

"No, I just put those there so I can see how many people stare at my ass," Alex says, then winks at me. "Kidding. Yeah, I play the drums."

I shake my head with a laugh.

We don't say much more until we reach the building. Alex takes me inside and points out the Studio I'm after, putting a friendly hand on my shoulder. The class starts in three minutes so I've only just gotten here in time.

"Good luck," he says sincerely, his hand squeezing gently. I turn to thank him just as he takes a step forward. All of a sudden his face is inches away from mine and I can see where a few of his eyelashes are clumped together with mascara.

I'm struck by a strong and very bizarre desire to kiss him. _Don't do anything stupid_ , I tell myself, my fingers twitching by my sides. My breaths sound loud in my ears and I wonder if he can tell how bewildered I am. As I continue to stare, he tilts his head and dampens his lips with his tongue.

His hand suddenly slides from my shoulder down my back and pushes so that I'm forced closer. I automatically angle my head so that our lips collide instead of our noses, but I'm so surprised that I pull right back again after only the briefest touch.

"Sorry," Alex murmurs with a nervous grin. "I thought you wanted to."

"I... barely know you," I say weakly.

With a quick nod, Alex pulls his hand away and takes a step back. My skins feels cold without it. "You'd better get to class," he says. "I'll talk to you later, yeah?"

I'm vaguely aware of nodding to him before he moves past me. Once he's out of sight, I lick my lips.

* * *

 

It took a while for me to be able to concentrate again after the incident with Alex, but when I finally did my classes went by quickly. I made a couple more friends, didn't really learn anything since it was only the first day, and got lost more times than I'd like to admit.

Walking out of my final class, I text Rebecca and head towards the car park. My head is down and I kick at some gravel, thinking about Alex again now that I don't have anything else distracting me. He said he'd talk to me later, but we didn't even exchange phone numbers. How are we meant to find each other again?

"Ryan!"

Rebecca appears from behind and loops an arm through mine, taking a large gulp of Starbucks coffee – I was right about her after all.

"Hey," I say with a grin.

"How was your first day?" she asks me.

My mind is still stuck on Alex, but I'm not sure I want to tell her about him yet. Anyway, I might not ever see him again and there is the issue of our slightly crossed wires, so there's no point in getting her hopes up. No, better to leave that for now.

"I didn't really learn a lot. Is that normal for the first day?"

"Oh yeah, definitely," Rebecca says with a nod. We've almost reached her car and she has another gulp of coffee. "I didn't learn anything either, but I got through a heap of the readings they gave me this morning."

"I hope you haven't been too bored waiting for me," I say.

Rebecca pulls her arm free and ruffles my hair. "Relax. I had my friend Ashleigh to keep me company. I was never bored."

We get into the car and I stare out the window, picturing Alex's eyelashes in my mind. After everything that happened, I'm surprised to find I can't even remember what colour eyes he has.

"-even alive over there?"

I quickly shake myself out of my thoughts and look over at Rebecca. She's watching the road but glancing over at me occasionally.

"Sorry," I mumble.

"What's wrong?" she asks. "You completely zoned out."

"Just thinking," I say vaguely.

"You know you can talk to me about anything."

"Yeah, it's nothing."

Rebecca purses her lips and frowns. "It's not... I mean it doesn't have anything to do with Jason, does it?"

I haven't heard that name in years. My hand jerks in surprise and collides with Rebecca's Starbucks coffee which she had placed in the cup holder between us. It tips right over and I curse, scrambling to get it before too much spills out. Thankfully there wasn't a lot left, but the car is still probably going to smell like coffee for a few days now.

"Sorry! I'm so sorry," Rebecca exclaims. "Are you alright?"

I'm starting to think this day can't get any weirder.

"It's fine," I say, carefully putting her coffee back. "I'm fine. And no, I wasn't thinking about him. I am _now..._ "

"Shit," Rebecca murmurs. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising." I turn to look out the window again, all thoughts of Alex replaced with something much worse. But I don't want Rebecca to think it's her fault, because it isn't. It's mine.

We reach my apartment in silence and I open the car door.

"Wait," Rebecca says softly. "You're alright, aren't you? Honestly?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I retort.

"It's just that we haven't talked about it," Rebecca says. "I don't even know what happened, Ry."

"It's no big deal," I say quickly. "It was ages ago."

She puts a hand on my arm gently. "Please talk to me."

"I don't want to talk about it!" I yell, finally turning to look at her. I can see instantly that I've hurt her feelings but I don't apologise, instead I shrug her hand off and grab my bag. "I'm _trying_ to move on with my life."

"Ry-" she starts, but I get out of the car quickly and slam the door on the rest of her words. I make it to the front door of the apartment building before I stop. I close my eyes and shake my head slightly.

I really don't want to start treating her like shit again. She's my closest friend. She's the only person still in my life from Before who's not a family member.

With a sigh, I turn and walk back to her car, getting into the passenger seat again.

"Sorry," I say without looking at her.

"You're an asshole," she replies, and this time it doesn't sound like an endearment. "But you're also my best friend."

"What about Ashleigh?" I ask bitterly. My mood has plummeted and though I keep telling myself to be nice, I can't think of any nice things. I'm pissed off. It's not even her fault, for fuck's sake. It's _Him_.

"Ashleigh isn't my _best_ friend, she's just _a_ friend." I don't say anything in reply. "Can't you see I'm trying to help you?"

"Don't say his name, then."

Only after I say it do I realise how important this condition is. I took it for granted that my parents never mentioned him by name, but after hearing it only once today everything feels like it's gone to shit and my heart is beating like a marching band on crack.

Rebecca takes it seriously. "Okay. Does that mean I can't talk about him at all?"

"Just don't say his name," I reiterate.

"I promise," Rebecca says firmly. "I'll come up with something else to refer to him as, if I ever have to. Sound good?"

It's much better, so I nod.

"Alright," Rebecca says quietly, sounding relieved. "I'll see you tomorrow, then."

I get out of the car again and start closing the door. Just before it shuts, I say, "I can't believe you're a hipster now."

I hear her shout a disgruntled "hey!" and grin to myself as I run up to the building and let myself inside.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can correctly tell me how many times college was mentioned in this chapter I'll put your name in one of the later chapters.
> 
> So please leave a comment :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to my research, American Colleges operate similarly to the later years of American Schooling. What I mean is that when you first start college you're a Freshman, then you're a Sophomore in the next year, then a Junior and then a Senior.
> 
> But if you're American and you read anything in my story which is incorrect, please feel free to let me know. I am not American. I am just doing my best with what I know and what I can find out!

Fifteen minutes until my last class of today ends and I can go home. It's Wednesday, but I wish it was Friday. Three days into college and I'm already hanging out for the weekend. Just great, huh?

So far I have been trying my best to really pay attention in my classes and to work a lot harder than I did back in high school. Considering that I did almost no work at all in the later years, it's not that hard to be better now, but I'm trying to put in a lot of extra effort because I'm really serious about getting into the music industry.

Now, however, the professor is still rambling on about the same topic he started on this morning. I've taken as many notes as possible, but since he's begun repeating himself there really isn't anything more to do.

I've noticed a couple of people slip out of the class already. There's only fifteen minutes to go and they've probably decided it's pointless to stay, but the rest of us are still sitting here enduring the nonsense. I'm tempted to get up and leave as well, but a couple of my new friends are still here and I've been working up the courage to ask them something all day.

Thirteen minutes to go. If I want to ask before everyone starts rushing out the door, I should probably do it now. I just wish I didn't feel so embarrassed about this.

"Hey, Isaac," I whisper, leaning over to the desk on my left.

I met Isaac in my MUS101 Music Theory class on Monday. Although we didn't talk a whole lot I did manage to find out that he plays the guitar and writes his own songs, which I find both impressive and intimidating. I think he mentioned wanting to start up his own band at some point, too.

At the sound of his name, he looks up at me from his book, which is already covered in what appears to be half a page of song lyrics and the other half guitar chords, and raises his eyebrows.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Actually, I was wondering if you might know someone," I begin cautiously. "His name is Alex, he's got black hair and wears thick eyeliner."

Yes. Since I first met Alex I have not seen him again and now I'm stooping to asking my friends about him. I just hope word doesn't spread that I'm looking for him. I don't want him to think I'm desperate.

"Alex?" Isaac says thoughtfully, starting to chew on the end of his pen. "And he wears eyeliner? Hm." I'm just grateful he hasn't laughed at me or asked why I want to know. "No... I can't say it's familiar at all. Sorry."

"That's fine, thanks anyway," I say with a shrug. At least I tried. And Isaac isn't my only friend.

Turning around in my seat, I'm about to say something to get Owen's attention when I realise he's already looking at me.

"Alex, black hair, eyeliner?" So he heard.

"Yeah. Do you know him?"

"Not even distantly," he replies, shaking his head. "How do _you_ know him?"

We almost kissed on my first day and he promised we'd see each other again.

"Uh, he helped me find Studio 3 on Monday when I got lost," is what I actually say out loud. I don't even want to _imagine_ the reaction I'd get if I told Owen the truth. Kissing someone on my first day doesn't really convey the independent vibe I'm trying to have going on.

"And you... what? Want to say thank you?" Owen asks.

"Yes." Not exactly.

"Aww," Owen says with a teasing grin as he tilts his head to one side. "You're so thoughtful. Want me to ask around and see if anyone knows him?"

"No!" I say quickly – too quickly. I clear my throat. "No, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal."

"Are you sure?" Owen asks with a frown. "My brother is a Senior. If I ask him he's bound to know someone who knows this Alex."

The offer is really tempting, but I still find myself held back by the thoughts that if more people know I'm looking for him, Alex might find out and think I'm creepy. I really don't want that to happen.

"Thanks, but it's honestly fine."

Owen shrugs and I turn back in my seat. There isn't much longer to go before the end of the lesson so I start quietly packing my things away. Maybe I'll just have to ask Rebecca if she knows Alex. She's been here longer than me, after all, so there's a chance. I still don't want her to know the whole truth about what happened, but it will be easy enough to leave out parts of the story.

Three minutes earlier than I estimated, the professor finishes his ramble and gathers his papers in preparation to leave. Half the class is already out the door by the time I stand up and follow in their wake.

As I'm walking off, Owen falls into step beside me.

"I heard there's going to be a party on Friday," he says. "At Hannah's Sorority House. Wanna come?"

"I don't know her," I reply.

"That's not the point. It's a party, we're Freshmen. There'll be girls and booze and food. What more could you want?"

"Boys?" It slips out and I glance at Owen, wondering how he'll react. The subject has never come up until now.

Owen is staring back at me, surprise on his face.

"Boys? Huh." He starts to smile and then puts an arm around my shoulders. "You are going to fit _right_ in, Freshie."

I push his arm off with a roll of my eyes. "You can't call me that, you're a Freshman too. And what do you mean I'll fit right in? Are you...?"

"Gay? Nope." He hitches his bag strap higher on his shoulder as we step outside and get jostled by the crowd. "Just promise you'll come to the party. I want to have _some_ friends with me in case all my pick-up lines fail."

I laugh and pull out my phone, flicking through my contacts for Rebecca. Someone treads on my foot and I sidle to the right only to crash into someone else's shoulder. I mumble an apology as I'm texting, but don't bother to look up. I'm used to it.

I'm about to press send on my message to Rebecca when someone collides with me head-on and my phone slips from my fingers. It falls. I feel like I'm watching it in slow motion as it makes its descent towards the ground and my hand stretches out desperately to catch it. If it wasn't for the person who had crashed into me and was now inhibiting movement, I might have been able to reach further.

I blink and my phone is in someone's hand.

The person I crashed into is muttering apologies and grabbing the books they dropped, already stumbling over their feet as they move away from me. They're probably trying to escape before I get mad at them, but I'm not paying attention.

The person that caught my phone is wearing a studded black cuff around his wrist, familiar thick eyeliner, and a cheeky grin.

"Hey," Alex says. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I reply quickly, looking away from his face to stare down at my phone again. "Thanks for catching that." Please give it back now.

"No problem." He glances down at it and I reach forward to take it from him. Thankfully he doesn't fight, but he still has that stupid cheeky grin on his face which is making me regret wishing I would see him again.

"An 'optimistic emo drummer'?" he asks.

Damn. So he _did_ see the text I was writing.

"To be fair, that description is your own fault," I reply with a shrug.

Alex raises an eyebrow. "Optimistic drummer I understand, but I never claimed to be an emo."

Have I offended him? I search his face but can't read his expression. Maybe because of the eyeliner, because I keep getting distracted and just end up staring at it.

"Relax," Alex says after a moment, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You look like you're planning an escape route. Was I too full on earlier? Is that what the text was about, to ask your friend about me?"

"Maybe," I say. It's only half true, though. I definitely wasn't asking Rebecca so I could find out about Alex, I just wanted to know how I could find him again. Now that he's right in front of me I don't know what to do. I didn't think this far ahead. I didn't expect to get here.

"I don't want to scare you," he goes on. "But I like you. And I'd like to get to know you more, if you let me..." He clears his throat and releases my shoulder. "There's a party on this Friday. Interested in coming?"

"The... party at Hannah's Sorority?"

"Yeah! So you're going?"

"Uh..."

"He is _definitely_ going to be there," Owen pipes up. I completely forgot he was still here and flinch.

"No, I didn't say I would-"

"He's just nervous," Owen interrupts again. "But he's going."

Alex glances between us and I look over at Owen, smiling in a way that I hope tells him I'm going to kill him later. Thank him, probably, but then kill him.

"Well... how about this," Alex says slowly. "Right now I'm getting mixed signals, but I'm going to go with, 'Ryan is coming to the party on Friday'. Aaaaand..." He eases my phone out of my hand and all I do is watch him. "I'm going to give you my number, so you can let me know when you get there. And you can call or text me any time before Friday, as well, if you want."

Owen elbows me but I don't say anything, worried that I'll ruin this perfect moment. I'm getting Alex's phone number. I've never been so glad to meet someone who is this stubbornly optimistic.

When Alex is done he passes my phone back and gives me a proper smile, not the cheeky grin from before, and my own smile instinctively matches his.

"I'll make sure he calls you," Owen says.

"Thanks," Alex says, extending a hand to Owen. "I'm Alex by the way."

"I gathered as much from the eyeliner," Owen says with a sly glance at me as he shakes Alex's hand. "I'm Owen."

Alex gives me a long look before walking away. I wonder whether he forgot to ask for my number, in case I don't ever call him, or if he really is just that optimistic that I will make contact.

"Wow, you are _hope_ less." Owen thumps his hand on my back and begins steering me off.

I want to deny it and tell him he's wrong, but I actually have a feeling he's a little bit too right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait for this chapter! It was going to be out a few days ago but my beta reader hasn't had the time to check it over yet. So I've gone over it myself and edited it, but I'm yet to have an outside eye take a look at it for me. This means I might be posting an updated version in a couple of days, so if you want to come back and check again for that you can, but I doubt it will be very different to this one - probably just cleaner!

I have my head bent over a textbook when someone says my name. I'm sitting in the campus library, trying to get some study in during my lunch break before I have to go to my next class, but reading isn't something I'm great at. Even novels take me a while to get through, which I know because I've been trying to get through 'Interview With The Vampire' since the beginning of this year.

I look up and see Ian sliding into the seat opposite me. I do a double take, forgetting for a moment that he actually goes to this college, but quickly recover from my surprise.

"Hey!" I say. "You're on lunch, too?"

"Yeah," he says with a nod, opening his own textbook on the table and pushing it to the side. He pulls out a laptop from his bag next and places it directly in front of him. "So how are you finding your classes?"

"Uh," I begin, rubbing my mouth with the back of my hand. "Harder than I thought they'd be, I guess. I really don't know all that much about music, even though I want to get into it."

"I'm sure you'll pick it up quickly," Ian says encouragingly.

"Thanks."

We fall silent and I look back down at my textbook. I can't ignore that he's really good-looking and it's honestly making me a bit self-conscious, but I'm trying not to let it get too weird between us. Besides, if things work out with Alex I'll have someone else to focus on instead.

"Hey, uh, did you hear about the party that's on tomorrow night?" Ian asks abruptly.

"The one at Hannah's sorority?" I ask.

Ian grins. "That's the one. Everyone's been going on about it and Jasmine was begging me to go with her. Are you going?"

"Yeaaaah," I admit reluctantly, drawing the word out and then chuckling. "My friends have roped me into going with them."

"What else are friends for?"

We both laugh and then I ask, "Have you been to any of these so-called 'amazing' parties thrown by Hannah before?"

"One," Ian says. "It was good."

"Just 'good'?"

"I'm... not really a party person. But I'm sure you'll have fun there tomorrow night."

"Why are you going if you're not into parties?" I ask curiously.

Ian looks down at his laptop, a fake smile on his lips. "Jasmine really wants to go," he says softly. He fingers his textbook absent-mindedly and avoids my gaze, so I decide to let the subject drop. I know what it's like to not want people asking too many questions.

I'm about to go back to my textbook as well when two hands come down on my shoulders forcefully and my entire body tenses in fright. Then I hear Owen's voice in my ear saying, "Have you called him yet, Freshie?"

I close my eyes and breathe, "You shit," through a relieved smile.

Owen moves away to dump his bag on the table next to me and peers at my face. "Did I really scare you?"

"No. Shut up," I deny quickly.

"You didn't answer my question," Owen goes on. "Have you called him?"

I know he's talking about Alex.

"No."

"Have you at least sent him a text?"

"No."

Owen throws his hands up in exasperation and shakes his head.

"You are _never_ gonna get laid," he exclaims.

"Who hasn't he called?" Ian pipes up.

I groan and hide my face behind one hand as Owen pulls up a chair and joins us at our table. The worst thing isn't even that now Ian is going to find out about Alex – which is pretty horrifying – but that I'm thinking about having sex with Alex while in the presence of my friends and I'm worried they'll be able to read it on my face.

"Ryan calls him an 'optimistic emo drummer'," Owen begins excitedly, leaning towards Ian with a light in his eyes.

"Emo," Ian repeats curiously, raising an eyebrow and glancing across at me. I'm peering at him through my fingers and just shake my head silently in reply.

"His name is Alex," Owen continues. "They're totally into each other and I'm hoping they're going to hook up at the party tomorrow night."

"Why do you even _care_?" I ask.

Owen turns to me and wriggles his eyebrows. "I'm a match-maker."

I don't believe him, but I haven't known him for long so I guess I shouldn't judge yet.

"Well, I hope it goes well," Ian says as I drop my hand away from my face.

"Thanks," I mumble, feeling my face go red from embarrassment.

"Anyway!" Owen exclaims, slapping a hand down on the table and making me jump. He grins at me wickedly. "Call him."

"I'm not going to call him right now!" I say indignantly.

"Send him a text?" Owen asks, as though that option is much better.

"Fuck off," I groan, looking down at my textbook again and trying to concentrate on it.

"Fine," Owen says with an exaggerated sigh. "But don't say I didn't try!" He picks up his bag and stands up, waving to Ian before heading off and leaving us alone.

I continue staring at my textbook, not taking in a single word of the paragraph in front of me. I wonder if Ian is looking at me. Should I look up to see? I decide against it, not wanting to get distracted. After all, Alex really did seem interested in me – definitely a good thing! - so I don't want to get too obsessed with Ian, who isn't even gay.

A couple minutes later of still not being able to absorb any of the information on the page before me, I hear Ian's fingers tapping away at the keys of his laptop keyboard. I'm jealous of his ability to get some work done.

I last only one more minute before giving up and sitting back in my seat, looking at Ian. He's creased up his forehead, one of his eyebrows doing a half-raise that I find really cute despite my efforts not to think about it. I know I should probably get back to my work and let him do his, but I am so bored and not at all interested in the theory behind music.

"Hey, um," I begin to say. He looks up at me right away. "I hope you don't find this... rude, or whatever. But I never even knew Jasmine had a boyfriend. How long have you been together?"

Ian clears his throat and adopts his thoughtful expression again. I bite the inside of my bottom lip, determinedly not looking at the cute eyebrow, but find myself looking instead at his lips. Before I can stop myself, I've instinctively licked my own.

Shit.

"Probably almost eight months," Ian replies finally. I look back up at his eyes and nod, hoping he doesn't realise how distracted I am.

"It's weird how we look like each other, isn't it?" I ask jokingly, but regret the words as soon as I've said them. Why, _why_ did I have to bring attention to the fact that we look so similar again? We've already discussed this topic to death!

Ian looks startled yet nods his head.

"Yeah. Weird."

I try to keep my mouth shut, but I can't help myself. "Almost like you'd be dating me if you were gay, huh?"

We stare at each other, me wishing I could disappear through the floor and Ian with his wide, surprised eyes.

"I'm kidding," I tell him with a humourless laugh.

He says nothing and just swallows.

Even though it's not yet time for my next class, I make the decision to escape this awkward situation I've created. I'm not getting any work done, anyway, so there's no point in hanging around.

I pretend to be looking at the time on my phone and say, "Oh, I'd better get going. I'll see you later."

Closing my textbook, I put it in my bag before standing.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to..." Ian starts, trailing off and chewing on his lip.

"You didn't do anything," I tell him quickly. "Don't worry about it."

Pulling my bag strap over my shoulder, I give him a reassuring smile before leaving the library to park myself outside my next classroom.

* * *

 

It feels like forever passes before the end of the day, but finally I am walking out to the parking lot to find Rebecca so she can drive me home. I scan the people milling around, looking for her familiar brown hair, and finally spot her walking arm in arm with another girl that I don't know. The girl has light pink hair, so I assume she's another hipster.

I can tell they're deep in discussion, so I make my way towards Rebecca's car myself. When I reach it and lean against it, I look around and see Rebecca hugging her friend goodbye before walking in my direction.

"Hey!" she greets me as she opens the drivers door. I get in the passenger side and rest my bag on my lap. "Had an alright day?"

"Yeah, I guess," I reply.

She starts pulling out of the parking lot and I look out the window, considering telling her about Alex. She still doesn't know, not that I've been deliberately keeping it from her, but I feel bad about it since we're best friends. I'm sure that if she found someone she was interested in she would tell me all about it.

"Something wrong?" she asks me.

"Uh, no." I say quickly, looking back over at her. "Just thinking."

"What about?" she asks with a smile, glancing at me before returning her eyes to the road.

This is it. Now or never.

"Well, actually, I'm going to a party tomorrow night, at this girl named Hannah's sorority house," I begin nervously.

"Really?" she asks me, sounding surprised.

"Yeah, I got invited," I say. "I'm... actually hoping to meet someone there."

Rebecca grins. "It's your first week, Ry. I mean, I'm glad you're wanting to get yourself out there and find someone new, but don't be surprised if it takes more time, okay?"

"No," I say quickly, realising she's misunderstood me. "I mean, I'm meeting up with someone there. I met this guy and he's going to the party and he wants to get to know me better."

Rebecca turns to me with her mouth open wide in shock. Then she checks the road before veering to the side quickly and pulling to a stop. I'm thrown forward against my seat belt slightly and grab on to the armrest to steady myself.

"What are you doing?"

"You've already met someone? Seriously?"

"Yes! Is it really that surprising?"

"I'm so happy for you!" she exclaims, and suddenly she's leaning across to give an awkward side hug and I have a mouthful of her hair.

I push her away, smiling like an idiot, and feel my face go red with embarrassment.

"It's not that huge. We've only spoken like... twice," I say.

"I'm allowed to be a little dramatic sometimes," Rebecca says with a wink. She pushes her hair out of her face and returns to her own seat, driving off again. As we go, she says, "So tell me about him. What's his name?"

"Alex. I think he's a Sophomore or a Junior... I'm not really sure which. And in my head I've sort of dubbed him the 'optimistic emo drummer'. Though... he might not like being called emo. Not sure on that either."

"But he wants to get to know you better? Did he say those exact words?" Rebecca asks.

"Um..." I rack my brain. "I can't remember. I was a bit distracted at the time."

Rebecca laughs.

"But he definitely meant it like that," I insist. "He even asked if I was gay."

"Oh, well that's a good start," Rebecca says seriously. "There's no point in chasing after a straight boy."

"Yeah," I agree. The smile on my face slips as I think about Ian.

"What else happened?"

"Uh, well... he gave me his number. So, you know... so I can text him when I get to the party."

"Aww," Rebecca gushes excitedly. "You really _have_ had a busy day!"

"It wasn't today, but... yeah." I shrug. "I met him Monday and he invited me to the party yesterday."

"And you're only telling me now?"

"I didn't want to jinx it!"

"Because telling me about a cute boy is obviously going to turn him off you," Rebecca says sarcastically.

"Shut up."

Rebecca grins at me and I can't help but grin back. Then we fall into a comfortable silence, saying no more until we reach my apartment and Rebecca pulls up. I reach for the door handle to let myself out of the car and Rebecca puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, I wanted to ask you something," she says. "About... he-who-must-not-be-named."

"Who, Voldemort?" I joke, trying to ignore the weight which has settled on my chest.

"No." Rebecca sighs and tucks some of her hair behind her ear. "You know who I mean."

She's right, so I give in.

"Okay. What about him?"

"I was thinking we could call him 'Boyfriend X'," she says cautiously. "Is that... suitable?"

I'm quiet for a moment before asking, "You still want to know more about what happened, don't you? Is that why you've come up with something to call him? So you can ask me about him?"

"I just want to be able to help you, Ry," Rebecca stresses. "You're my best friend. You went to hospital for a wound which I don't even know how you _got_ , and then you were in a psych hospital for a year! Your parents..." She looks down at her hands and picks at one of her nails. "They wouldn't tell me much. They just said you're never allowed to see... Boyfriend X ever again."

"There's nothing else to tell," I say quickly, looking out the car window at my apartment building and subconsciously tapping one hand against my leg agitatedly.

"That's not true," Rebecca says flatly, looking up. She stares at me, maybe waiting for me to turn and look at her, but I keep my gaze stubbornly out the window. "Did _he_ do it to you?" she asks finally, the words soft yet firm.

" _No!_ " I say immediately, turning to her with a look of disgust that she would even suggest such a thing. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"Ryan, if he was hurting you..." Rebecca pauses and then shakes her head. "If he was _abusing_ you, you can tell me. The doctors at the hospital must have told you that it's better to get things out, right? So just say it."

"No, it's not true," I say adamantly. "He wasn't."

"Then what happened?" Rebecca presses desperately.

"It doesn't matter! Fuck."

I practically jump out of the car, slamming the door behind me and letting my bag swing from one hand as I jog up to the door of the building.

I'm not going back to her this time. I know I said I didn't want to treat her badly any more, but I can't do this. I can't let her keep talking about Him like he was a horrible person.

When I get the door open I hurry inside, leaping up the stairs two at a time.

"Ryan!" Rebecca calls out and I glance over my shoulder to see her slipping in before the door shuts. "Please stop! Don't be mad at me."

I quicken my pace and have almost reached my door when I feel a sharp tug on my bag and it slips out of my fingers. Rebecca darts up the last few steps between us, dropping my bag carelessly, and slams into me. She wraps her arms around my middle and presses her face against my back. I can feel her trembling.

Neither of us move for a moment. I'm not sure what to do – is she crying?

When she eventually releases me, I turn around slowly to look down at her and see her dabbing at her makeup with a finger. Then she sniffs, holds her head high, and glares at me.

"I was worried _sick_ about you when I heard," she says, her voice wavering slightly. "Your parents called me and said, 'Rebecca, you remember Ryan, don't you?' Like I'd forgotten you just because you spent more time with Jason." I flinch and bang my elbow against the wall behind. "So I said 'yes, of course I remember him'. And they said... they said..." Rebecca swallows thickly and presses a hand to her mouth, clearly fighting back tears. "They said, 'Ryan's been stabbed. He's in hospital and we don't know if he's going to make it'."

I watch as a tear slips out from the corner of her eye and slides down beside her nose before she swipes it away, leaving a faint smudge from her mascara.

"I'm sorry," I murmur.

"Did you do it to yourself?" she asks apprehensively.

"No, I swear," I assure her quickly. "I just... it was an accident. That's all."

"That's one hell of an accident," she comments.

"Yeah."

I still don't know what to do. We stare at each other in silence for what feels like a long while.

Rebecca sighs at last and gives me a half smile. "C'mere." She reaches up to hug me and I hug her in return, my arms around her waist. We stay like this for a few minutes, just gently swaying from side to side and holding each other, until she pulls back and kisses my cheek.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

The door to my apartment unexpectedly opens and I look over to see Ian standing there with a garbage bag in one hand. He glances between Rebecca and I, taken aback, before lifting the bag he's holding.

"I was just going to take out the trash," he explains. "Were you two coming in?"

"Oh, no," Rebecca says quickly, clearing her throat and moving down a few steps to grab my bag and pass it up to me. "I was just leaving."

"Wait," I say. "Do you want to stay? We could all have dinner together."

Rebecca looks hesitant, but Ian says, "I'll be cooking pasta, if that helps."

"Pasta?" she asks, her eyes lighting up. "What kind?"

"I've got a salmon and lemon pasta bake recipe that I want to try. I was hoping Ryan would agree to be my taste tester, but the more the merrier," Ian says.

"That sounds great!" Rebecca agrees quickly – she really doesn't need much persuading.

"Great," Ian repeats with a nervous smile. He glances at me and then clears his throat, lifting his garbage bag once more and beginning to make his way past both of us. "I'll just take this out and then get started on cooking."

He disappears down the stairs and I watch until he's out of sight.

"You didn't tell me he can cook!" Rebecca whispers as she pushes past me and enters the apartment.

"He has a girlfriend," I say warningly.

"And _you_ have Alex," she replies cheerfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS:  
> I have created a playlist for this story. It's a recreation of a mix CD that Jason made for Ryan, and it will be coming into the story properly later, but I'm too excited to keep it hidden any longer.
> 
> You can listen to it here:  
> http://8tracks.com/wheresmywatson/i-miss-our-time-together
> 
>  
> 
> ~~psh, as if I would give you spoilers~~

Rebecca and I are chilling on the couch when Ian comes back inside. I've got my laptop out, trying to focus on a paper that I have to write, while Rebecca fiddles with her phone. I sneak a glance to see her scrolling through her music, then look up and lock eyes with Ian for a moment before we both look away.

Did he just blush? Should I check?

I stubbornly keep my eyes on my laptop, not wanting to give in and look at him again when it really shouldn't matter. And I'm likely overthinking everything just because he's hot. Like I said to Rebecca, he's got a girlfriend. There's no reason he would be blushing over me.

"Have you heard One Direction's new album?" Rebecca asks, shoving her phone in my face.

I've been trying not to stay mad at Rebecca for earlier, because I _know_ she really just wants to help, but I can't help feeling a bit pissed. I told her I didn't want to talk about it, but she kept on pushing me. I wish she would respect my privacy and let me do what I want – move on.

I also wish I didn't care so much about her. It confuses me like hell that I can feel so pissed at her and yet want to keep her happy. I wonder if this is what real siblings feel towards each other. I wouldn't mind her being my sister.

Concentrating on her phone, I look at the small image of One Direction's new album cover and my eyes immediately go to the dip in Harry's shirt. I can see the hint of one of his tattoos and wonder what it would be like to peel off his clothing, trace his tattoo with my tongue, and hear him gasp.

"Are you undressing them in your mind?" Rebecca asks sharply.

I clear my throat and look away. "No."

She lets out a loud laugh and pulls her phone back. A moment later, one of their songs is playing.

Rebecca jumps up and reaches out her hands towards me, her eyes glittering as the introduction piano part plays. I know that look in her eyes and I sink a little lower in my seat in embarrassment, checking to see if Ian is paying any attention to us – he looks away from me quickly as I look at him.

"Come on, dance with me!" Rebecca pleads.

I let out a groan and Rebecca reaches forward to close my laptop, pushing it to the side before pulling me up to stand with her. She winks and begins to sway back and forth with me, holding my hands so that I can't escape.

Over the top of the music, she then begins singing her own variation of the words.

"I've been your queen since we were sixteen, we want the same things we dream the same dreams! Alright!"

"You are so embarrassing," I say as she takes a breath.

"You're just jealous of my confidence," she replies with a laugh, then stumbles to catch up to the song again. "Uh- all. I am the one! My mom calls you 'love', your dad calls you- I mean my dad, fuck."

We spin around and I trip over my feet, almost taking us both down to the floor before Rebecca manages to balance us out. She looks so happy and I _feel_ so happy that I can't even bring myself to complain any more. Somehow she always knows how to make things better.

I know the chorus of the song is getting closer and I cringe slightly as Rebecca keeps grinning at me. Can I really? It's so embarrassing. I don't want to be the kind of guy that sings One Direction songs in the living room with his best friend even though One Direction are really hot and have great, catchy songs. I don't want Ian to-

Fuck it.

"I knowwww, I knowwww, I knowwww for sure," Rebecca and I sing together.

"Everybody wanna steal my girl!" I belt out, pulling Rebecca close and pretending I'm trying to protect her. "Everybody wanna take her heart away! Couple billion in the whole wide world, find another one cause she belongs to me!"

I sing the chorus again just as loudly as the first time, getting my hands free to raise them up in the air.

"I'll take that as a yes, then!" Rebecca says as the chorus ends. "You _have_ heard this album!"

"Probably not all of it," I say. "But I've heard this one a lot."

I'm guessing it's because of the lyrics, Rebecca suddenly leans forward and kisses my cheek.

"What do you think?" she asks. "Are my kisses like cream?"

"A thick, sticky, bad smelling cream," I tease.

"Sounds like something you'd like, actually..."

"Oh, shut up," I groan, biting my bottom lip to keep back a smile.

She gives me a silly squinty-eyed smile and then turns to where Ian is still hovering in the kitchenette.

"Hey, Ian! Come dance with us!"

I watch as Ian's face displays an expression of panic and he begins to flounder for an excuse not to join in. He probably hates One Direction. Rebecca should just let him be, instead of putting him through this torture.

But does she let it drop?

No.

"Come on!" Rebecca whines, running over to him and grabbing his arm. "You don't have to start cooking for a while yet. Let's have some fun first!"

"I'm not- I don't really dance," Ian claims. As Rebecca drags him over, he looks to me for help but all I do is shrug.

I guess if I'm honest, I do want him to dance with us. And it's for purely selfish reasons. He's hot, I'm single (for now), and craving intimacy. It's different with Rebecca because she's a girl, and feels like family. But if I can get Ian close enough to dance with and maybe have an excuse to wrap my arms around him...

Fucking hell.

The song is coming to an end as Rebecca grabs my hand with one of hers and holds Ian's in her other hand. She pulls us to start swaying in a weird triangle and sings along, "Na na na na, na na. Na na na na, na na."

Joining in for the last line, I sing, "She belongs to me," at the same time as Rebecca sings her variation, "I belong to you."

As the next song starts playing, Rebecca lets go of both of us so that she can run over to grab her phone. Instead of changing it to a different song like I thought she was doing, she takes it over to Ian's iPhone dock which is sitting on the coffee table. There's a moment of silence as the sound switches to speakers, but then it starts up again louder and the lyrics begin.

Rebecca dances around us, singing along, while Ian and I stand opposite each other awkwardly.

"Without you I'll never make it out alive," Rebecca sings, catching my eye as she dances in my line of sight. "But I know, yes I know we'll be alright."

"There's a devil in your smile that's chasing me," Ian sings, surprising me so much that I let my mouth drop open. He falters when he sees me staring, letting the next line of the song pass by silently, so I reach out and grab his hand, hoping to encourage him.

"There's a moment that you finally realize," I sing to him, hoping my voice isn't terrible so it won't put him off from joining in. Thankfully, he smiles at me and gives my hand a squeeze, and actually does join for the next line again. "There's no way you can change the rolling tide. But I know, yes I know that I'll be fine."

We sing the chorus loudly to each other then, beginning to dance together. I grab his other hand with my free one so we're holding on with both hands, and spin him around quickly. His face goes a beautiful shade darker as we sing, "Cause I wanna be yours, don't you wanna be mine?"

He's gorgeous.

Rebecca somehow slips into the mix again and we dance around the room in a circle connected by our hands, laughing and singing until the song ends.

Feeling very warm as we come to a stop, I shake my head with a chuckle. Ian is smiling at me and I only look away from him as Rebecca tugs on my hand to get my attention.

"I'm hungry," she says.

"Sorry, I should get started," Ian says, pulling his hands free.

"Do you need some help?" I ask.

"Uh, sure," Ian says hesitantly. "I mean, I don't really _need_ it. But you can if you want."

"It's fine," I say with a shrug, following him over to the kitchenette. "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it."

Rebecca turns the music down a bit so it's more like background music and Ian begins naming ingredients for me to pull out of the fridge or cupboards.

Once we've got everything we need for now out on the bench, I lean against it and face him.

"I didn't know you liked One Direction," I say.

"You never asked," he points out.

"Do you like Fall Out Boy?"

Ian looks over at me with an amused smile before turning back to greasing the large baking dish. "They're not bad. I haven't heard a lot of their music, though."

"Really? You've listened to One Direction but not Fall Out Boy?"

"You _must_ have heard their song 'Sugar We're Going Down'," Rebecca pipes up from the couch. "It's Ryan's favourite."

"Uhhh..." Ian keeps greasing the baking dish, even though I'm pretty sure he's gone over all of it three times now. "It doesn't really ring a bell..."

"I can lend you a CD sometime if you want," I offer.

"Yeah? That'd be cool," Ian agrees, looking over his shoulder at me and smiling.

I smile back and neither of us moves for a while. I don't want anything to break this moment because his smile is so gentle and some of his hair has fallen in front of his right eye, making him look irresistible. If only he was single and gay. But I guess I don't mind too much if I still get to have him look at me sometimes.

"Ah, Ryan your phone's ringing," Rebecca says abruptly.

The moment is shattered as I spin around to take my phone from her. I look down at the screen and see 'Alex' displayed near the top.

Alex.

"Why is-?" I begin, staring at it in confusion. I didn't give him my number. I definitely did not give him my number.

"What's wrong?" Rebecca asks.

"It's Alex," I say. "I didn't give him my number."

"You should answer it," Ian says. "Isn't he the guy you're meeting tomorrow night?"

"Well, yeah..."

I keep staring it, then pull a grimace before pressing on 'accept'.

I like Alex, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't expecting this. I don't feel prepared.

"Hello?" I say as I bring the phone to my ear.

"Hey Ryan! Thanks for texting me your number. I was beginning to think you didn't like me, after all," says Alex.

Thanks for... wait, what?

I turn around and glare at Rebecca, who looks like a deer caught in headlights before grinning shyly.

Fuck her. I never should have left my phone on the couch. I didn't even know I left my phone on the couch. Fuck. Say something, Ryan. Fuck. I have to talk to him.

"Sorry," I say, clearing my throat and quickly walking out of the kitchen and down the hall to my room. "I um... hey. Yeah. How are you?"

"I'm great. Did I get you at a bad time? I thought it would be okay to call since you texted first..." Alex trails off, sounding uncertain.

It would be fine. If I _had_ actuallytexted first.

"No, I mean yeah it's fine. What are you up to?"

I shut my door and sit on my bed, leaning against the wall and staring at my jeans.

"I'm gonna be heading out soon for band practise."

"You're in a band?" I ask, surprised.

"Yeah! Didn't I tell you?"

"No."

"Oops. Well I am, and we're really good! You should come hear us play some time. We've got a gig coming up in a couple of weeks on the twentieth. It's a Saturday."

He sounds excited and it rubs off on me a bit. If it actually works out between us, I'll have a boyfriend who is in a band. He might become famous and then I'd be dating someone famous! He could be the next Andy Hurley!

Slow down, Ryan. You haven't even been on one date yet.

"Sounds cool, I'd love to come," I say. "What time is it? I'm starting a weekend job soon."

"Starts at nine pm. They've got another band on before us."

"Oh, I'll definitely make that."

"Perfect," Alex says with a sigh. "Oh! Did you need a lift to the party tomorrow? I could come and pick you up if you like."

"No, no I should be fine. Thanks." I take a deep breath silently and let it out slowly. I'm not quite ready for Alex to know where I live. "Do you know what time it starts?"

"Seven thirty is what I heard. I'll be there from then, so just let me know when you arrive."

"I will."

We both go silent and I wonder whether I should end the conversation and hang up. Alex said he was on the way to practise, anyway... and we'll be seeing each other tomorrow.

"Well I should-"

"I hope you don't think-"

Ah, fuck.

"You go first," I tell Alex quickly, before he can offer the same to me.

"Oh I was just... I hope you don't think I'm being too forward about all this. I just really like you. You're really cute and funny."

That would be sweet if it wasn't total bullshit.

"You haven't heard me tell a single joke," I retort.

"Well... I'm optimistic about your potential to be funny. Is that better?"

I let out a snort before I can stop myself.

"You should probably get that optimism checked by a doctor," I say.

"And you prove me right!" Alex declares. "I knew when I saw you that you'd be funny."

"And gay, apparently," I remind him.

"What can I say? I'm a psychic."

Alex's levels of bullshit are so high they're actually strangely endearing. As soon as I think this, I make a face and mentally slam my head against a wall. This is the _last_ thing I need.

"Hey, um, I have to go," I lie. "Food's ready and I'm starving."

"Oh, sure," Alex replies. "Don't forget to let me know when you get to the party tomorrow, and wear something tight."

I hesitate before asking, "Are you serious?"

"Seriously text me when you get there. Wear whatever the fuck you want."

I sigh in relief and shake my head.

"Okay. Bye, Alex."

"Bye, Ryan."

I hang up and stay sitting on my bed for a while, staring off into space. For a first proper conversation, it wasn't terrible. I just hope that the weirdness towards the end there was only because we were both a bit nervous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ryan is sad. Ryan will only smile if you leave a comment (he told me so).


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay in getting this chapter out to you! Christmas and New Year happened, and then I was trying to sort out the upcoming year. I'm actually excited about this year, which is new and exciting progress in my own personal character development.
> 
> Keep an eye out for the guest appearance of "Annie" in this chapter - OrianneBlue won my challenge of how many times 'college' was mentioned in Ch4.
> 
> And lastly... apologies in advance for writing about something of which I have no knowledge - college parties.

Rebecca and I get a lift with Ian to the party on Friday, and I'm forced to endure the entire car ride with Jasmine talking at me. Sometimes she talks to Rebecca as well, which I'm really thankful for, but mostly she just gushes about how it's been _so_ long since we last saw each other, she was _so_ worried when she heard what happened to me, and 'why are you looking at me like that, Bec?'.

Yeah. She's not good at taking hints to shut the fuck up. At least she didn't go into too much detail or I probably would have opened the door and jumped into the oncoming traffic.

But we finally arrive and I don't have to resort to any drastic measures to get away from her. I know she's trying to make me feel like I've got people around me who care, but it really just makes me feel trapped instead.

I barely pause to say good bye to Ian before grabbing Rebecca's arm and leading her towards the front door of this huge building of which we've parked out the front. It's obvious this is where the party is, because there's loud music coming from inside and there are people everywhere already.

We have to squeeze past some people to get in the front door and I slip my hand down to Rebecca's so it's easier to keep a hold of each other. I'm looking around anxiously, searching the faces for Alex, and also trying to make my way to a less crowded section of the house.

"You should text him!" Rebecca yells into my ear so that I can hear her. "Didn't he want you to tell him when you got here?"

I nod so she knows I heard her, but don't make a move to get my phone out of my pocket. I'll do it soon, I swear.

We make our way to another room, this one only half filled with people mingling. I'm about to let go of Rebecca's hand so I can pull my phone from my pocket when I feel something on my shoulder and look over.

Alex has found me. He's smiling widely and runs his hand down my arm before letting it fall to his side.

"I thought you were gay?" he says, raising his eyebrows cheekily and glancing at Rebecca.

"He's gayer than you know!" Rebecca calls back with a laugh, squeezing my hand once before letting go. "I'll see you later, Ry, have fun!" She's halfway across the room when I turn to look at her.

"You look great," Alex says to me, bringing my attention back to him. I give him a hesitant smile, feeling suddenly self conscious about my blue skinny jeans and black button-down shirt.

He, of course, looks even more like an emo today than when I first met him. His eyes are thick with dark eyeliner that accentuates his blue eyes – I stare at them a bit longer than necessary, trying to make sure I don't forget what colour they are this time – he's got about ten bangles in various shades of black around his wrists, and he's wearing black leather pants with a loose-fitting Fall Out Boy shirt which he's tucked in at the front.

He's wearing a _Fall Out Boy_ shirt.

Fuck. I'm in love.

"You look... amazing. I didn't know you liked Fall Out Boy."

"Sorry?" Alex asks, leaning closer to me.

"I said you look amazing!" I yell, hoping he'll hear me this time. "And I didn't know you liked Fall Out Boy!"

He laughs and nods his head, then beckons for me to follow as he begins to make his way out of the room. I glance around briefly to see if I can spot Rebecca anywhere, but she's long gone, so I follow Alex.

We find ourselves in the kitchen, where there must be a bench somewhere but I can't see it because of all the bottles and cups shoved everywhere.

"Want something to drink?" Alex asks me, putting an arm around my shoulders so that he can talk directly into my ear.

"Just a beer," I reply.

We move closer to the drinks and Alex passes me a beer with his free hand. Once I've taken it from him, he grabs one for himself and then we make our way through the groups of people to find somewhere to sit.

It turns out Alex knows quite a few people here and I soon find myself squished on a couch between Alex and a guy with dark skin named Finn. Opposite us and sitting on the floor are a bunch of people I don't know and whose names I can't remember – except for the girl on the left with the short, curly blonde hair: Annie.

"Will there be free drinks at your gig?" asks a boy almost directly in front of me. He's got black hair like Alex but no eyeliner. Instead, his face and ears are covered in piercings which actually look a bit threatening against his olive skin. "Because if I have to sit through that whole thing sober, no offence, but I'll probably lose my mind."

"You have no taste, Teddy!" Alex replies with a laugh, taking a swig of his beer and then shifting so he can drape an arm over my shoulders again. I lean into him, liking the feel of his body heat against me.

"You're the one screaming all the time," the boy, Teddy, replies with a shake of his head. "That's not music."

"No arguing!" Annie declares firmly. "I'm out of booze. Who wants a refill?"

Multiple hands shoot into the air and Alex presses his half-finished beer into my hand as he raises his own.

"I haven't even finished this one," I tell him, now holding two bottles of beer.

"Think of it this way," Alex says, turning to me as Annie leaves. "When you do, you won't have to get up for more."

Maybe I'm starting to get affected by the alcohol, but I feel so fucking good sitting here with Alex. His eyes are really dreamy, he's really warm, and he feels familiar. For some reason I feel sixteen again, and I wonder if he's going to kiss me, but then someone is talking and he turns away.

I swallow my disappointment and look up just in time to see a girl with long blonde hair walking around Finn's side of the couch. She sits herself on the arm of the couch, leaning against Finn, and gives a small wave.

"Hey guys!"

"Hannah!" exclaims the other girl sitting on the floor. "Wicked party!"

"Thanks, Des. Where's Pill?"

"Passed out like a log in my bathroom. We may have had a pre-party..."

Hannah laughs and looks around, her gaze stopping on me.

"Oh, hey, I don't think I know you?"

I try to sit up a bit straighter – I didn't even realise I was slouching so much against Alex – and nod.

"Sorry, hey, I'm Ryan."

"Do you go to our college?"

"Yeah, I'm a Freshman."

"Isn't he adorable?" Alex asks, tightening his arm around me so I'm forced to slouch again. "I love him, Hannah, can I keep him?"

"Well he doesn't seem to be complaining yet! But if I see you shoving too much more alcohol down that poor boy's throat, I _will_ swoop in and rescue him."

"You don't need rescuing, do you?" Alex asks me, pressing his face into my neck and nipping playfully at my skin.

I'm so fucking horny I could come on the spot, so I do the only thing that seems logical and drink the remaining beer in both of the bottles I'm holding. When I'm done Alex laughs and kisses me, completely ruining my attempt at distracting myself.

At that moment, Annie comes back with her arms full of beer bottles. Teddy helps distribute them around to the people who wanted more and then the extra two (Alex whispers that Annie can't count) are placed in the middle of our haphazard circle.

"We should play spin the bottle," Des says. "Hannah, reckon you could hustle up some more people to make this more fun?"

"Consider it done!" Hannah says, quickly disappearing.

I turn to Alex, sceptical about playing spin the bottle and tossing my two empty ones onto the ground, when I suddenly remember the comment Teddy made about Alex screaming.

"Hey, what did Teddy mean about your music being screaming?" I ask.

"He doesn't think post-hardcore should be a real genre." Alex rests a hand on my leg. "You ever listened to any?"

"Post-hardcore bands?"

"Yeah."

"No," I admit. "It is all just screaming though, isn't it?"

"Shut up," Alex laughs, pressing our foreheads together and closing his eyes. "Damn, Ryan. I really like you."

I smile like an idiot, glad he can't see. "I really like you too."

"We should go upstairs," he murmurs, his hand creeping higher on my thigh and making the temperature in the room sky-rocket. He tilts his head to kiss my neck, his hand reaching my groin now and pressing firmly against me so I let out a quiet moan.

"Would you two get a fucking room?" someone yells, and I start to laugh before Alex's lips cover mine.

"Ryan, is that you?" comes a familiar sounding voice. I feel my face flush an embarrassed red but Alex isn't about to let me go, so instead of trying to escape I pull him further on top of me so that his body can hide me from prying eyes.

It just so happens this wasn't my best idea, as Alex's hips replace his hand and send intense sparks of pleasure through me. If I was embarrassed before, I'm pretty mortified now.

"Did we miss the start?"

"Oh look, we found the horny gays."

"Go get him, tiger!"

Okay, that last one was definitely Owen and now I'm _really_ fucking embarrassed.

I gently push at Alex, trying to give him the hint that I want to stop, and thankfully he leans back and stops pressing his hips forward.

"Do you feel like playing spin the bottle?" he asks.

"Not really."

"Me neither. Come on."

Alex climbs off me and grabs my hand, pulling me to stand up. There are so many people gathered round now that I can barely see a path out, but I let Alex lead me once he's picked up one of the extra bottles of beer from the floor.

We're almost out of the crush of bodies when I glance to my left and see a painfully familiar head of hair which makes my heart almost jump out of my throat.

I stop walking, tightening my hand into a fist as I stare.

He's not looking at me. He's turned away. But I- I know that head. I know that hair.

He starts to turn around and I flinch, wanting to look away so I don't see his face, but continuing to stare all the same. I'm frozen.

He turns all the way around and I feel the tension leave my body so quickly that I feel faint.

It's Ian.

I never knew, until right now, just how much Ian looks like him. Not from the front, but from the back.

I slowly become aware of someone talking to me and turn to see Alex's concerned blue eyes. Blue eyes. Fuck. I realise I'm digging my fingers into his arm and let go, glancing over my shoulder to look at Ian again as a sad weight settles on my chest.

I have a type.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I'm back in the groove, I hope to get the next chapter to you in three weeks or less. I hope you enjoyed this one, and if you did, please leave a comment! I love you.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fancy seeing you again so soon! Yeah, I'm definitely impressed with myself.
> 
> **WARNING: Slight dubious consent towards the middle of this chapter. If you want to avoid that but still know what's going on, scroll right to the bottom and I'll give you a quick overview.**

"Are you okay?" Alex asks me, looking around to try and work out what made me stop walking.

Instead of answering him right away, I grab the bottle of beer from his hand and open it, taking a long swig. Then I look at him and his blue eyes, and force a big grin onto my face.

"I'm fine. Are we going upstairs?"

I can see he's hesitating, so I grab his hand and start pulling him along until he catches up and walks beside me. As I glance across at him, he's smiling again.

"You're wasted, you light-weight," he says to me, and I'm too pleased that he's come to the wrong conclusion to correct him. I'm hoping it'll be true soon, anyway.

We get to the staircase and I finish the rest of the beer by the time we reach the top, letting the bottle fall to the floor carelessly. The sorority girls that live here are going to have a hell of a job tomorrow cleaning this place up, but I really don't give a fuck.

Alex pokes his head in the doors as we head down the corridor, searching for a free room. Three doors later we're successful and I kick the door shut as Alex goes over to sit on the bed. He's already pulled his shirt over his head and is kicking his shoes off as I walk over and run a hand through his hair.

"I have to admit," Alex murmurs as he looks up at me. "Seeing you in hoodies every day at college, I wasn't sure you owned a shirt this nice." He reaches up to smooth his hands over my chest and I smile.

"Would you believe it's not mine?"

Alex pauses before chuckling. "Seriously?"

"Rebecca gave it to me. Otherwise I _would_ have turned up in a hoodie."

"Don't you own any other clothes?"

I don't answer, pushing him down onto the bed and climbing on top of him. Looking down at his naked torso, I notice that he has a nipple piercing and without thinking, lower my head to suck on it gently before giving it an experimental lick.

Alex hisses deliciously and fists a hand in my hair, only encouraging me to keep going. I've never played with a piercing before but I have to say I like it. I gently graze it with my teeth, testing how hard I can pull before Alex tenses up.

Sliding a hand down to his leather pants, I rub over the bulge of his erection to give him something else to moan about – which he does. I love knowing that I'm the one doing this to him, and I love the feel of his hand in my hair which tells me just how eager he is for all this. He wants me so bad.

Just as I lift my head to kiss him, I hear a loud bang and turn my head to see the door bouncing off the wall.

In the doorway is Ian. With Jasmine's legs wrapped around his waist and her lips glued to his face.

"This one's taken!" Alex calls out in frustration, trying to pull me back down to him.

I swallow stiffly as I watch Jasmine quickly detach herself from Ian, her face red with embarrassment. She puts a hand on his chest, trying to push him out of the room, but he seems frozen in place with humiliation.

"Ian, come on," Jasmine murmurs, pushing a bit harder and this time managing to get him to turn and walk out. She's about to follow after him when she looks at me and says, "I'm so sorry."

Once the door is shut again, Alex runs a hand down my arm slowly.

"Where were we?"

I look down at him and his soft smile, but I don't feel anything anymore. Nothing but a burning jealousy of Jasmine. I must be really drunk to want to run after them and tell Jasmine to get lost so I can have Ian all to myself.

With a sigh, I climb off Alex and sit on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands. I feel the bed dip as Alex sits up and eases himself behind me, his arms snaking around me gently.

"They kind of killed the mood, didn't they?" he murmurs, pressing his lips to the back of my neck.

"Yeah," I agree. "Sorry."

"No problem," Alex replies, his hands smoothing over my chest before moving up to start undoing the top button of my shirt. "I don't mind having to work a bit."

"Alex," I begin to say, lifting my head from my hands so that I can bat his hands away.

He shushes me and kisses my neck again, one hand going down to my crotch and his other continuing to pull the buttons through the holes. I can't stop myself from letting out a moan in response to his hand on my hard-on, but I do grab hold of his other hand to stop him half way down.

"Come on," Alex urges softly. "I don't want to be the only one without a shirt on."

"I'm not taking it off," I say firmly. "I don't feel like it anymore."

"You _do_ feel like it, actually," Alex teases, squeezing me gently through my jeans. I let out a gasp and reach back automatically to grip his thigh. "See?" He seizes the opportunity to open my shirt further and then runs his hand over my bare skin.

"I said no!" I snap, pushing him off and standing up. I fumble to try and get my buttons done again as quickly as possible, but Alex is right in front of me suddenly and he pulls the material out of my hands to stare at my stomach.

"Shit."

"Let go," I mumble, weakly trying to get him off as I feel bile rising in my throat.

Alex ignores me, beginning to trace my scar with a finger. "How did you get this? It's awesome."

A rage explodes within me so rapidly that I barely know what I'm doing as I slam into his shoulders to force him backwards. He trips over his own shoes, only just maintaining his balance so he doesn't fall on his ass.

" _Awesome_?" I yell at him. "Fuck you!"

"What the hell?" Alex asks, annoyance clear on his face. "What's wrong with you?"

"Everything!" I shout at him instantly. I'm so fucking angry with him. I can't believe I was going to let him fuck me five minutes ago.

"Look, I didn't mean to upset you. If it bothers you that much you can keep your shirt on."

"I can-?" A harsh laugh bursts from my lips. He's going to let me keep my shirt on. That's nice of him.

"That's what you want, isn't it?" Alex asks, taking a step towards me. "Just relax. I'm not mad."

He reaches a hand out and I hit it away.

"Don't fucking touch me."

I see the hurt and confusion in his face, but I have no intention of hanging around to explain things to him.

Pulling my shirt together at the front to hide my scar, I leave the room and let the door slam shut behind me.

* * *

After throwing up in the nearest toilet, I find myself slumped in a corner with a pounding headache that I'm pretty sure is punishment for thinking about Jason. I muse to myself how interesting it is that I can say his name as much as I like in my head, but I always get uncomfortable if someone else says it out loud.

If he was here right now, he'd know how to cheer me up.

"Ryan? Hey, are you okay?"

I move my arm tightly around my stomach and look up to see Isaac. He looks genuinely concerned about me, his hazel eyes drawn together. Standing beside him with a hand on his arm is Annie, the girl I met briefly when with Alex.

"Hey," I say slowly. "Have you seen Rebecca?"

Isaac exchanges a glance with Annie before shrugging. "What does she look like?"

"Long brown hair... she's wearing a deep purple blouse with black shorts and tights."

"Oh!" Annie exclaims. "I think I saw her with Owen."

What would Rebecca be doing with Owen?

"Do you mind staying with him while I go and get her?" Isaac asks Annie softly. The blonde smiles and nods, stepping away from Isaac and sliding down the wall to sit beside me. Isaac leaves and I stare at the back of his head until he disappears from view.

"Ryan, isn't it?" Annie asks. "I'm Annie."

"I remember you," I tell her. "Are you and Isaac dating?"

"Yeah," she says, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. "You and Alex?"

I look over at her and shake my head. "He's an asshole."

"Damn," she murmurs. "Sounds bad."

I sigh heavily and lean my head back against the wall. I don't want to talk about this, and staying silent seems to be my best bet.

Annie pulls her phone from her pocket and starts fiddling with it, which I have to say is a relief. I'm glad she's not going to push for more from me because I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it.

It's not too much later when Isaac returns with Rebecca.

"Ry," Rebecca says, sinking onto her knees in front of me. "What happened?"

Annie gets up, going to Isaac's side and then leaving with him.

"I threw up in a toilet," I say.

"Yeah? I can smell it," Rebecca replies. She grabs my arms and pulls me to my feet, pausing momentarily as she notices my shirt is undone and she can see my scar. I half expect her to say something about it, but then she simply sighs and starts doing up the buttons for me. "First we're going to give your mouth a rinse, then we're going to find somewhere to sit and talk. Okay?"

"Okay," I say obediently.

She leads me to a bathroom and waits patiently as I cup some water and thoroughly swish it around my mouth so it's a lot fresher. Spitting the water out, I wipe my mouth on a nearby towel and then turn to face her.

"Can you shut the door?" I ask.

Rebecca turns and does so, flicking the lock as well so that no one can walk in by accident and interrupt us.

I put the lid of the toilet down and sit on it while Rebecca perches on the side of the bathtub.

"I'm in love with Ian."

Rebecca's eyes widen in surprise.

"Straight Ian?"

"Straight Ian," I sigh.

"What about Alex?"

"Alex is an asshole."

"I thought you really liked him," she says with a frown. "Did he do something?"

"Look, I don't..." I groan and put my head in my hands. "I don't want to talk about it. I just... He's got blue eyes."

"Shit," Rebecca says in a whisper. "Me too."

"Shut up. I'm trying to make a point."

"Okay, go on," Rebecca says, trying to hide a smile.

"Alex has blue eyes. Ian has dark brown hair. Do you know who also has blue eyes and dark brown hair?" Rebecca's smile fades to make way for a look of sadness and I know instantly that she understands. "Yeah," I continue. "Boyfriend X."

"Alright," Rebecca says slowly. "That's true. But that's... not terrible?"

"What do you mean it's not terrible? Of course it is. I'm clearly not over him if I'm subconsciously only attracted to people who have something in common with him!"

"Ryan, Ryan, Ryan," Rebecca murmurs, standing up and moving over to me. She takes my face in her hands and stares down at me. "Listen to me. Just because you've met two attractive boys who remind you of Boyfriend X does not mean you have a problem."

I'm silent for a moment before I ask, "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Hooking my fingers in her belt loops, I pull her onto my lap and rest my chin on her shoulder.

"Past me was an asshole. I'm sorry for treating you like shit."

"Past you had to deal with Boyfriend X," Rebecca says. "That can't have been easy."

"He didn't know what he was doing, though," I reply. "I mean yeah, he was shitty, but maybe if he _knew_ about it... he could've stopped."

Rebecca shifts on my lap and I feel her fingers curl at the base of my neck.

"What didn't he know he was doing?" she asks.

"Just saying shit. You know. Making me feel worthless."

"Is that all?"

"No... it's complicated."

I push her back slightly and look at her blue eyes. They're a different blue to Alex's eyes, darker and stormier but still beautiful. Her eyes have never reminded me of Jason. Maybe that's because I knew her first.

"Will you ever tell me the full story?" she asks softly.

I look down at the ragged ends of her black shorts and pick at one of the threads. So far I've told a total of zero people the full story.

"One day," I say finally, looking up at her again. "I promise."

She silently brings her hand down in front of me, extending her pinky and smiling timidly. Without hesitating I lift my own pinky to lock with hers and grin right back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked it! Please leave a comment if you did!
> 
> **Did you just scroll down? Here's what you missed:**
> 
>   **Ryan pretended he was fine and drank more beer to try and get himself drunk. He and Alex went upstairs to find a room all to themselves and started getting all sexy with each other when Ian and Jasmine burst in and interrupted them. Ian and Jasmine left awkwardly, the mood was killed, but Alex tried to get it back. Ryan wasn't interested and pushed Alex off. Alex managed to undo Ryan's shirt and saw his scar. Ryan got pissed and left.**
> 
> **Now, you can scroll up about halfway to the page break and read what happens next!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you appreciate this chapter. I wrote the beginning while half asleep so I could really empathise with Ryan. Bad idea. BAD IDEA.

My alarm clock reads 03:05AM when the sound of murmured talking tries to drag me from my sleep. My eyes shut again and I roll over, half sprawling on top of Rebecca.

"He needs someone like you."

"Would you stop?"

"I'm just saying! Maybe if you tried being honest, you'd be happily surprised."

"I said no."

"Okay! Fine. Just try and leave me out of it in future, yeah? You know I'm a terrible liar."

"You're my girlfriend. I can't leave you out of it."

"Just as much as possible! Fuck's sake, Ian."

"Jas-"

A far-off door closes and then I'm spinning, running beside a person without a face down a street that never ends.

* * *

I wake up with a headache, cursing the world and everything in it for letting me make the dumb decision of going to a party last night. My alarm is screaming at me and I fling an arm out to shut it off when I realise it's not where I thought it was – _I'm_ not where I thought I was – and suddenly my eyes are open and I'm blinking myself to the realisation that I'm lying on the floor.

My alarm stops and I look up to see Rebecca retreating under my covers. She's taken up the _whole_ bed.

"You're my ride," I croak to her, pulling myself to my feet and yanking the covers back. "You have to get up too."

Because today is my first day of work.

Despite the fact that I feel like absolute shit, I manage to drag some clothes on and spray some deodorant while Rebecca spends five minutes bidding farewell to the bedspread. I feel like I might collapse at any minute, but I open the door and stumble out to the kitchen.

Ian is already sitting at our small dining table, spreading some toast and looking more alive than I can ever remember feeling.

"Morning," he greets me, looking up.

"Do we have any aspirin?" I ask with a groan, easing myself down onto a chair.

Without saying a word, Ian gets up and sets about the kitchen, grabbing things from cupboards and putting them down in front of me. Barely a minute has passed when I realise he's gotten me a bowl, a spoon, a pack of Granola cereal and a tall glass of water with an aspirin.

"Take that first," Ian tells me. "I'll make you a cup of coffee too. You look like you could use one."

Letting out a huge sigh, I smile to show my thanks. Then, without wasting any more time, I take the aspirin and wash it down.

The door to my room opens and Rebecca exits, smiling and looking about ten times more awake than she did two minutes ago. She waves at Ian and sits down beside me, stealing my bowl and the Granola.

"Morning! What's poppin'?"

I want to strangle the chirpiness out of her. But I resist.

"That's my breakfast," I tell her.

"If you eat this," Rebecca says as she pours some milk into the bowl as well. "You'll only throw it up later. It's better if you just have some coffee, lots of water, and take a good lunch with you to work."

"Didn't you get drunk, too?" I ask her.

"Nowhere near as drunk as you, sunshine."

"I'm really hungry, though," I mumble.

Ian places another bowl in front of me. "I think she's spouting bullshit."

Rebecca pokes her tongue out at him but I tune out whatever happens next and focus on getting some Granola for myself. My headache hasn't eased yet and my stomach is grumbling. I really don't know how I'm going to survive today, but I guess I'll just have to hope for a really nice manager.

Who knows, maybe a hot, gay, fuckable manager? ...Too much to ask for?

I'm brought back to the present when the smell of coffee reaches me and I moan embarrassingly, taking the mug that Ian is offering me.

"Uh Ryan, I just wanted to say... about last night..."

Rebecca's spoon stops halfway to her mouth and her eyes dart between the two of us eagerly as she waits to hear more – something I'm waiting for as well. My memory about last night is a bit foggy... though I don't _think_ I did something to Ian. Did I? Shit.

"We really didn't mean to barge in on you like that," Ian continues. "We should have checked if the room was empty first. Sorry."

Barging in. Party. Alex. Scar. Vomit.

Damn. Some things are better left forgotten.

"Forget about it," I say to Ian. "You probably did me a favour, anyway."

"What happened?" Rebecca interrupts.

I drink some coffee before speaking, thinking that I need to at least _start_ helping my body to wake up before launching into this story.

"Well," I begin at last. "As far as I can remember, Alex and I went upstairs to make out. Then we got interrupted by the very man you see before you and his girlfriend-" Thinking about Ian and Jasmine pulls at another memory and I pause momentarily. Did I dream that? "Sorry. Uh... then Alex saw my scar and I yelled at him and left."

Rebecca and Ian are silent for a moment and I drink more coffee, marvelling at how perfect it tastes.

"Was he rude about it?" Rebecca asks quietly.

I shrug and gulp down a bit more coffee, almost finished it now. "He was... Annoying. I told him I wanted to stop but he seemed convinced that if he just got me more aroused everything would be fine. And when he saw my scar he called it 'awesome'."

"Ugh, what a douche." Rebecca shakes her head and has another spoonful of Granola.

"So you don't think you'll see him again?" Ian asks.

"Are you kidding?" I look up at him. "No way."

Ian looks satisfied with my answer and turns to his toast. I finish the last of my coffee, thinking that even though he's not gay, at least he's really nice and on my side. My parents would be glad to know I'm making friends like him.

In the end, I don't eat a full breakfast. Instead I go to my room and make sure that I've got everything ready for the day. I'm wearing the black button-up shirt I wore last night – I know, I know, shut up – and I've got my wallet in the back pocket of my black pants. I've still got a bit of money in it that my parents gave to me which I'll use to buy myself lunch.

"Are you ready?" Rebecca calls out. "We need to leave!"

I run a hand through my hair and leave my room, walking over to the door where Rebecca is waiting.

"Feeling alive?" Rebecca asks cheerfully.

"As alive as I'm going to get."

* * *

Rebecca drops me off and kisses my cheek before getting back in her car and leaving. I'm on time, which is good, and I hurry to the store I'll be working in so that I can meet some of the people and figure out what I'm meant to be doing.

Ah. There it is.

I slip inside and head to the front counter. Since it's just before eight in the morning there are no customers around and I know immediately who the other worker is. He's standing just to the left of the counter, some books in his arms which he transfers onto the counter as I approach.

When he takes a step forward to meet me, I'm hit by a wave of anxiety.

"Hey, are you Ryan?" he asks.

"Yeah," I say, holding out a hand for him to shake. "Hi."

"Nice to meet you," he says. "I'm Leo, the assistant manager." He gestures for me to follow him around the back of the counter. "We've got a couple others coming in later today, and Katie should be here any minute. For now, use this computer to clock in and then I'll get you putting some books away."

I nod and step up to the computer he mentioned, following the system's easy prompts to clock in.

Just as I finish, a girl joins us behind the counter and pushes in front of me to get to the computer so she can clock in. She has a surprisingly intimidating face and I can see a bunch of tattoos poking out from under her sleeves and collar.

"Katie, this is Ryan," Leo says to her sharply, folding his arms.

Glancing over her shoulder, Katie looks at me and I instantly feel like I'm being scrutinised. Her eyes narrow as they look me up and down and suddenly she's smiling, making me feel even more uncomfortable.

"You have a hangover," she states. "On your first day of work? That's impressive."

I open my mouth to deny it but no words come out. The knots in my stomach tighten further.

"Is that true?" Leo asks, turning to me.

All I manage to say is, "Kinda?"

He sighs and picks up the pile of books he had before I arrived.

"If you show up like this again, I'll have to tell Alan, the manager. For now just take this as a warning, okay?"

I quickly nod, wanting him to know I'm serious about this. This is meant to be a milestone in my recovery – 'get a job, achieve a sense of purpose, let go of your past' – and while I have to admit it sounds bullshit, I still want to accomplish it. If not for me, for my parents and for Rebecca.

"Now, let's see if you can put these away in the right order. They go in Young Adult. Katie, do you mind showing him around?"

Katie shrugs and beckons for me to follow her, which I do after taking the pile of books from Leo. We make our way over to the other side of the store where I see the big letters spelling 'YOUNG ADULT' on the wall and then Katie turns to me, taking a couple of books.

As she begins explaining how to put the books away, I try not to wince. Though the aspirin I took this morning has definitely beaten back my headache significantly, I can still feel a faint pounding which is just constant enough to be distracting and painful.

"Got it?" Katie asks.

"Yeah, sure."

"Are you in college?" she asks me as she turns to the shelves to put away the two books she's still holding.

"Yeah," I reply, putting all but one of the remaining books on the floor. "How did you know I have a hangover?" I glance at her before focusing on the shelves in front of me, looking for the spot to put the book in my hands.

"Your eyes," she explains. "They're not that bad, but I notice even the tiniest red-eye. Was it a big party?"

"One of the biggest, apparently," I say with a frown.

"That must have been awesome!" Lowering her voice and looking around to check that no one is paying attention to us, she adds, "Are you into drugs?"

"What?" I ask her, my heart rate speeding up even more than it already was. "No!"

"No need to look so offended," she says quickly, giving me a funny look. "It was just a question. And not all drugs are bad, you know."

_Please change the subject. Please change the subject._ I drop the book I was holding and rub my forehead before bending down to pick it up again. As if my previous anxiety wasn't enough to deal with right now.

"Are you okay?" Katie asks after a moment.

"Yeah, of course," I say quickly, flashing her a very fake smile. "I'd just really like to focus on working at the moment. Is that okay?"

Katie rolls her eyes but then smiles patronisingly. "Sure! I'll leave these to you, then?" She doesn't wait for me to reply before walking off and leaving me with the books.

I silently continue putting them away, using the time by myself to pull myself together again and take lots of deep, slow breaths. If only anxiety had an off switch, but it doesn't. I really don't think I can do this. None of these people know what I've been through, so they don't know to filter what they're saying. I can't blame them for that, but I also can't... I just...

Once I've put the last book away, I look around for Leo and see him serving a customer at the counter. I start to make my way over but take the long way, winding through the shelves and trying to get a bit more familiar with the layout of the store at the same time.

The customer leaves just as I reach the counter.

"Done?" Leo asks me.

"Yep."

"Let's go through some training then. I'll get Katie to watch the counter."

Leo calls Katie over and then leads me through a door to the back area of the store. He starts with the basics and works his way up to the more complicated matters, but I focus on every word he says so that I don't miss anything. I have to make up for being hungover.

Once the explaining is done, he leads me around the store and shows me things, sometimes getting me to practise different things like using the register, printing price labels, and searching for books in our system. Lastly, he pretends to be a customer to see how I'll speak to them – which makes my nerves shoot even higher.

"Try to look a bit less like a deer in headlights and you're set," Leo says, patting me on the back. "You're doing well, kid. Don't freak."

Easy for you to say.

"Thanks," I say to him.

Now I just have to get through another six hours.

* * *

By two thirty, I think I'm getting the hang of this place. That's not to say my anxiety is gone, however, because it's not. I'm still _really_ anxious, and to join in on the fun I'm now also feeling depressed. The pills I take every day are meant to stop me from feeling this bad, but for the life of me I can't remember if I took one this morning.

I'm about to sneak out to the back room for a short respite when I hear the other staff member, David – he started work at eleven – say my name.

"Ryan? Yeah, I'll get him for you."

I look over my shoulder as David approaches. He's younger than me, a fresh high school graduate, and has these huge glasses that make his face look tiny. But that's not what I'm looking at now. I'm looking past him, trying to see who it is that has asked for me.

"Hey Ryan, there's this guy who-"

I ignore him, walking right past and heading for the young man standing at the counter. _Alex_. It's Alex standing at the counter.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I hiss as I reach him. He's not wearing any make up today and his face looks a lot softer without the usual dark eyeliner.

"I wanted to talk to you about last night," Alex begins.

"So you came to my work place?" I interrupt. "How did you even know I worked here?"

"I asked around. You're friends with Owen, right?"

I don't know what to do. I'm frozen in place for a moment before I grab Alex's wrist and pull him out of the store and around the corner so we can talk in private. I know I might get in trouble for this, but I'm also fairly certain Alex won't just leave if I ask him to.

"Can you be quick?" I ask.

"I just wanted to apologise. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable last night, you know? I had no idea that you had-"

"Yeah, fine. Why couldn't you have waited until Monday to say this?"

"I didn't want you to develop a grudge over the weekend," Alex explains, looking like a kicked puppy. Too bad I don't have the energy to care about anything right now.

"You acted like a dick," I say.

"I know, but I thought you were just put off because we were interrupted. I had no idea it was because of something else!"

I can't have this discussion right now. I just can't do it.

"I really need to get back to work," I tell him, avoiding his eyes and trying to concentrate on breathing. Everything is getting under my skin and I feel like I'm either going to snap or collapse if I don't get away soon.

"You don't hate me though, do you?"

"Honestly?" I snap.

He nods eagerly.

"Yes, I kind of hate you. But I kind of hate everyone right now, so don't go thinking you're special or anything."

Alex looks a bit stumped by that, but then he just looks pityingly at me.

"Something awful must have happened to you," he murmurs.

"Fuck off, Alex."

"I still really like you, Ryan," he says, grabbing my shoulders when I try to leave. "So if you want to give us another go when you're feeling better, don't hesitate to call me."

We stand there for a few moments, him staring at me and me avoiding eye contact at all costs, until he lets go and walks away.

I take a deep breath and take a step forward, but come to a halt instantly as I see Katie standing at the corner watching me.

"Shit. You've got some skeletons in _your_ closet, haven't you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I'm hoping to get the next chapter out in three weeks or less!
> 
> And I love comments.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if any of you watch the show 'Looking' but I do, and recent events have made me happy. Just saying.
> 
> Onto related things:
> 
> I'm so excited about this chapter!! Please leave me a comment of what you think by the end of it because I reeeeally want to know!
> 
> And in this chapter a mix CD is referenced which you can listen to here if you so desire: [Mix #9](http://8tracks.com/wheresmywatson/i-miss-our-time-together)
> 
> I LOVE YOU GUYS.

When it's finally four o'clock, I clock off quickly and leave. My chest still feels tight and I can't wait to get home and lock myself in my room until tomorrow. Thank fuck I only work on Saturdays. It'll be good to have a full day to myself again.

But when I get outside, it's not Rebecca waiting there. It's Ian.

"Hey," he says with a small grin. "Hope it's okay, Rebecca asked me to come get you."

"Why?" I ask irritably. I don't care if he knows I'm not in a good mood. In fact I _want_ him to know I'm not in a good mood. I hope it puts him in a bad mood too.

"Uh, she said something came up. I didn't get any details but she said it was an emergency."

Fuck.

Without saying anything else, I follow Ian over to his car and get into the passenger seat. I slouch down and fold my arms, staring straight ahead. Even as I try and ignore everything around me, part of my mind notices that Ian's car looks insanely expensive. Who the fuck is he? Son of a billionaire?

"Bad day?" Ian asks from the drivers seat.

"I don't wanna talk," I reply.

He doesn't push his luck.

I'm silent for the whole drive, glaring out the front windscreen and passing the time by thinking up all sorts of emergencies that could have pulled Rebecca away. I quickly come to the conclusion that unless someone's in hospital, it's not a real emergency, and decide to call her when we're home so I can find out if I need to be worried – not like I have any energy left for more worry, but, you know.

When we pull into the parking lot beneath our apartment, I get out before Ian's even finished parking.

I head up the many flights of stairs, finally reaching our apartment and fishing my keys out of my pocket to let myself inside. I don't even bother closing the door, knowing that Ian will be following me in a minute or two anyway, and instead I head straight down the hall to my bedroom where I do exactly what I first planned – slam the door behind me and flop onto my bed.

Lying on my back, I then retrieve my phone from my pocket and dial Rebecca's number, staring at the ceiling as I wait for her to answer. In between a couple rings, I hear the front door close to signal Ian's arrival.

The phone keeps ringing way longer than usual, until suddenly I'm listening to Rebecca's cheerful voice saying, _"Hey! I'm not able to talk at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you when I can."_

Hanging up and dropping my phone on my chest, I rub my hands over my face and stay like that for a minute or two.

Is she actually in trouble? Has someone _died_?

I stop myself from going any further with these kinds of thoughts, knowing I'm probably overreacting. Besides, she's probably labelled something that is 'kind of important' as an emergency just because it sounds more exciting. But whatever the real reason for her absence, I can't stop myself from feeling bitter towards her. She'd promised ages ago to drive me to and from work, so why did she just ditch me now?

I can tell that my head still doesn't feel right, so I decide to get up and take another pill even though I can't be certain that I forgot this morning. But one more can't hurt, can it?

Just as I finish swallowing the water that I cupped in one hand to help the pill go down, Ian steps up behind me. I see his head in the mirror first and my heart does this painful pound like it's trying to push through my very flesh. I half expect to feel a pair of arms go around my waist, as my mind supplies me with past memories of a certain someone who is way closer to the front of my mind than he should be.

"You okay?" Ian asks.

"Yeah, I'm..." I realise I'm still holding the pill bottle and belatedly open the cupboard beneath the sink to put it away. Ian is still watching me in the mirror, looking genuinely concerned, so I decide to try and move the conversation away. "I wish I knew what Rebecca was up to. She's not answering her phone."

"I'm sure she'll text you when she can," Ian says.

"Yeah, when will that be?" I don't expect an answer and sigh heavily. Turning around, I move to step past Ian but pause when he backs up a _bit_ too quickly himself. He looks nervous, or uncomfortable, and it makes me feel shittier all over again.

Why can't he just be cool with it? Sure, he _said_ he's not homophobic, but then he goes and does something like _this_ again which just- fuck. Maybe it's just internalised homophobia. Maybe he doesn't even know he's doing it.

"Have you thought about carrying a ruler around with you?" I ask him.

"What?" He looks so confused I almost smile.

"To hold in front of you and make sure you never get too close to a gay person."

I see the realisation dawn on him and roll my eyes, deliberately brushing against his shoulder as I move past him and head towards my room again.

"It's not- _wait!_ Ryan, I didn't mean it like that."

"I don't give a shit what you think," I say, even though it's a lie. I've always found it hard not to care about other people's opinions of me. At least in the past I could hide behind Jason.

Slipping into my room, I close the door and lean against it for a moment. I'm listening out for Ian, to be honest, and faintly I hear the sound of him walking past my room towards his own. Good. I don't want to argue with him.

I sit down on the edge of my bed, considering what I should do now. I have college work I _should_ be doing, but I already feel bad enough. I don't want to try and get through some of that only to remind myself of how much I don't understand it.

I grab my phone from my desk and find Rebecca's contact again, staring at it for a moment before giving in and calling. I hope she picks up this time. She's bound to, though, seeing that it's the second time I'm trying to get through to her. I'll probably make _her_ panic that something's happened to _me_.

_"Hey! I'm not able to-"_

Damn it. Where the hell is she? I need her. I'm going out of my mind.

A couple years ago if I felt this shit I would have called Jason. He would have dropped everything to be by my side in five minutes or less, put his arms around me, and tell me that everything's gonna be okay.

I don't even have his number in my phone any more. Though I could probably... if I tried, I could probably remember it.

My fingers start selecting numbers on auto pilot and I watch them in a daze, feeling like I'm not even in control of my body. When it comes time to enter the last digit, I hesitate, my finger hovering over a 'nine'. Then I press down and lift the phone to my ear.

I can feel my heart beating furiously in my chest and I could swear I'm going to pass out. What if he answers? What if he doesn't? What if-?

_"The number you have dialled is not in service."_

I must have remembered it wrong, I think as I lower my phone and turn it off. I feel like I'm going to be sick. What the hell was I even going to say if I did get through to him?

A sudden burst of noise comes from Ian's room, quickly lowered to a level that is barely more than a buzz. It's broken me from my own thoughts, though, and I curiously move over to the wall to try and hear better.

It sounds like he's started up a movie. I can hear the sound of a Marvel intro.

The thought of having to sit grumpily in my room while Ian watches a movie on the other side of this wall makes me move into action. I leave my room and knock loudly on his door. I hear the movie pause. "Come in," Ian calls.

I push open the door and snap, "Don't you have headphones or something?"

"Sorry," Ian says with a gulp. He stares at me from his position on his bed with his laptop on his knees. His expression changes slightly, to one I can't name, right before he asks, "Have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy?"

I frown. "No."

"Do you want to?"

Is he asking me to watch a movie with him? Even though his bed isn't very big? Is he just trying to prove how okay he is with me being gay? I have no idea. But I'm grumpy and lonely and... yeah, he's still hot. I have a death wish.

"Where can I sit?" I ask.

Ian lifts his laptop while he sits up and changes position, leaning against the wall and then patting the bed beside him.

I ditch my shoes in the doorway and cross the room, sitting down next to him but making sure I'm not _too_ close. I can see the screen, at least, and that's all that matters.

"Here," Ian says, pushing his pillow behind both of us lengthways so we have something a bit softer to lean back on. He shifts closer to me so that our arms are touching and then balances his laptop over both our laps.

I'm painfully aware of how close we are, but if this is some kind of competition I am _not_ going to be the first to move away.

He presses play.

* * *

Halfway through we have to change positions again. My ass is numb but my head is better – I feel less likely to throw myself in front of a train should the opportunity present itself.

We lie down on our stomachs, putting the laptop at the head of the bed, and prop our chins on our palms. Our arms are touching again and now our legs are too, but I don't mind and he mustn't either.

It's nice being next to someone who laughs in the same places you do. Scratch that, it's nice _being next to someone_. Period.

* * *

When the movie is finally over, Ian turns to me with a smile.

"Did you like it?"

"Are you kidding?" I ask. "It was amazing. I haven't laughed like that in ages."

Ian chuckles and turns to his laptop, giving me a great view of his profile – which is unfairly attractive. I want to lick his face.

"I love the whole idea of mix-tapes," he says, oblivious to my internal struggle. "The thought that goes into choosing songs for another person to listen to, you know? I wish more people did that nowadays."

"No one's ever made you a mix-tape?" I ask in surprise.

"No," Ian says, turning to look at me again. "Has anyone made _you_ a mix-tape?"

"Yeah, well, technically a mix CD."

"No way! Can you show me?" Ian must see the unease in my face because he gives a small shrug and adds, "It's fine if you don't want to."

It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I haven't listened to it in ages and I can't remember what's on it.

"It's okay," I say finally. "I'll show you."

I get off his bed and go back to my room, fetching the mix CD from where I keep it under my bed. It's not the only one Jason ever gave me, but it's the only one that I didn't leave at his house years ago. I guess that's partly why I haven't been able to throw it out yet like I told Rebecca I was going to. It's just... all I have left.

Ian's sitting up and leaning against the wall again when I return, his pillow half behind his back as the other half of it beckons for me.

As I settle into position, I pass him the CD and try to calm my nerves. It's just a CD. It plays music, not secrets.

"'Mix number nine'? You got nine of these?" he asks.

I grin and nod. "You can play it if you want."

Ian slips it into his laptop and waits for iTunes to open automatically. When it does, I scan over the list of songs quickly to remind myself of what's on this particular mix. The music has already started as well and I'm about to say something, because _of all the songs that could have been first_ , when the singing starts.

_"Break the skin, 'cause I can't tell where your body ends and mine begins."_

Ian looks over at me with raised eyebrows.

"I'm guessing you got this from a boyfriend?"

"How could you tell?" I ask with a nervous laugh. "Just skip it. There are better, less awkward songs I promise."

Ian shakes his head minutely as he clicks on the next song.

"This is your favourite, right?" he asks. "Didn't Rebecca say it was 'Sugar We're Going Down'?"

"Yeah." I can't believe he remembered that. I'm so impressed.

Neither of us says anything for a minute as the song plays, but then Ian turns to me curiously.

"So did your... ex-boyfriend? Make this mix for you himself?"

It's an innocent question. Don't panic.

"We made it together," I say quietly. "We used to sit in his room downloading songs and picking favourites. We liked to pretend that the singers were singing specifically about us."

Ian smiles at that, looking back at the track names on his screen.

"So which one is your favourite out of these? Or... which one has the best story about how it relates to you?"

I read the titles again myself, thinking seriously about each of them. They all make me think about Jason. About sitting on the floor of his room, the drone of the TV in the background from downstairs. About feeling like absolute shit and asking Jason to find me the saddest music he could to reflect my feelings.

I get stuck on 'Demons' by Imagine Dragons.

"This one," I say, reaching across to play it. "Honestly, most of them are gloomy as fuck, but that's kind of the reason we liked them. And I like this one in particular because... well, I'm sure everyone can relate to it a bit. But I think _he_ wanted to add it to this mix because he could see it in me."

I've always been messed up in some way, which is a reason why this song resonates loudly with me. And I feel like it's even more applicable now, After, even though...

"What happened?" Ian whispers.

I know what he's really asking.

"Don't _you_ have any favourite songs?" I ask in an overly-enthusiastic tone.

Ian stares at me, his eyebrows drawn together thoughtfully. I'm pretty sure it's _not_ because he's mentally going over all the songs he's ever listened to.

At last, he says, "Why did you go to hospital?"

The question is so unexpected I actually have to remind myself how to breathe.

"I had a knife in my gut," I say sarcastically, trying to hide how freaked I feel.

"I knew that. But who put it there?"

I can feel the ends of my fingers tingling and I know the sign as the start of a panic attack. Why am I having a panic attack? It's not a big deal. It's fine. I'm fine. I can do this.

"I was trying to cook and then I fell."

"On the knife?"

_What fucking else, dipshit?_

"Yes."

"I don't believe you."

A wave of dizziness washes over me and I push myself off the bed, trying to get away from Ian so I can at least have some privacy for-

Fuck.

I feel like I can't breathe.

"Ryan? Are you okay?"

His voice sounds like it's far away and I grab the door frame, trying to concentrate on slowing down my breaths. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't work.

I _know_ I'm hyperventilating. I _know_ and I'm _aware_ , but I have absolutely no control over myself. I just stand there like an idiot, gasping and thinking, thinking too much when I should be concentrating.

"My phone's... on my desk," I manage to gasp out after a few minutes. "Get it. Call Patrick."

Ian slips past me quickly and I squeeze my eyes shut. Just stop. _Stop._ Fuck. I can't even control my own breathing. How useless am I?

It feels like an hour that I'm standing here like this, but I know it must have only been a few minutes, when I feel a hand on my shoulder and open my eyes to see Ian with my phone against his ear. He looks really, really concerned.

"Are you okay?" he asks me again, but before I can reply – I wasn't actually planning to anyway – he glances to the side and speaks into the phone, "Hi, no, I'm his roommate. I think he's having a panic attack."

That's pretty fucking definite actually.

Ian fumbles with my phone for a second, letting go of my shoulder and finally getting the phone on speaker.

_"Ryan, can you hear me?"_

I nod my head, my fingers slipping on the door frame.

"He nodded," Ian says.

_"Good. Ryan, I need you to hold your breath. Right now."_

I can't hold my breath! I need air but I can't get enough and I'm hyperventilating and now I'm getting chest pains and I can feel my stomach as though the wound is opening up and I can see Jason, in my head he's right here and he's just-

_"HOLD YOUR BREATH!"_

I suck in some air and clamp my mouth shut, closing my eyes and resting my forehead against the door frame. Everything seems to stop. I'm not breathing. I'm not thinking. There's silence.

It feels like forever.

_"Now breathe out slowly. One."_

I purse my lips and begin to push the air out.

_"Two."_

My lips are tingling.

_"Three."_

Ian's hand is on my shoulder, reassuring.

_"Four."_

I push away from the door frame and breathe in again, opening my eyes.

"I'm okay," I say. "I'm okay."

_"I didn't even make it to six. You're getting better."_

Better. Right. Maybe I'd be better if I actually knew why the fuck I got panic attacks in the first place.

_"Roommate, you there?"_

"Yeah, hey," Ian says, bringing the phone a bit closer to himself again. "What do you want me to do?"

_"Even a short panic attack takes a lot of energy out of you, so he'll need to rest. If you've got any I'd suggest making him a cup of tea and then sending him to bed soon after."_

"I can do that."

_"Great. Ryan, you still there?"_

"Yes," I groan, leaning my back against the wall.

_"I'm coming over tomorrow to check on you. There's a long overdue conversation we need to have."_

"I'm _fine!_ " I exclaim. "You don't have to come over. It's my day off. I want to relax."

_"You can relax after. Now do as your roommate tells you."_

I roll my eyes and reach over to grab the phone out of Ian's hand. Before he can object I've ended the call.

We're both silent for a few moments until Ian asks, "Is Patrick... your brother?"

"No," I reply, slipping my phone into my pocket. I pause, tapping my fingers against my leg, and then add, "He's my therapist."

Ian mouths an 'oh' before folding his arms. He's not looking at me so I take the opportunity to observe him and try to figure out what he's thinking about this whole situation. Is he regretting sharing an apartment with a nut like me? Is he wondering how many more panic attacks he's going to have to witness?

I'm really not _that_ good at reading people's body language, but from the look on his face... damn. He actually still looks a bit worried about me.

He suddenly looks over at me again and meets my gaze.

"Do you like chamomile?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again the next chapter should be out in 3 weeks or less. And you should leave me a comment so I can love you forever.
> 
> Also if anyone is interested you can follow me on tumblr: [wheresmywatson](http://wheresmywatson.tumblr.com)


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